And I'll even throw in Maureen Dowd because she's mean and evil...
Now, this hasn't been reported yet, but it was actually Rahm's idea to do the swearing-in ceremony again. Of course, for Rahm, every day is a swearing-in ceremony.
But don't believe what you read. Rahm Emanuel is a real sweetheart.
No, it's true. Every week the guy takes a little time away to give back to the community. Just last week he was at a local school, teaching profanity to poor children.
But these are the kind of negotiations you have to deal with as President. In just the first few weeks, I've had to engage in some of the toughest diplomacy of my life. And that was just to keep my Blackberry. I finally agreed to limit the number of people who could email me. It's a very exclusive list. How exclusive?
Everyone look at the person sitting on your left. Now look at the person sitting on your right. None of you have my email address."
"I see Sarah Palin here tonight.
"We're a lot alike, really. I swore on Lincoln's Bible, and her kid, Trig, eats Lincoln Logs."
"Rod Blagojevich couldn't be hair tonight. What, did I say 'hair?'"
"Hair today, jail tomorrow!"
"Say 'hello' to Laura Bush, everyone. Her smile is brought to you by the Pfizer Corporation."
"And Chief Justice Roberts will deliver a toast tonight. Try not to f*** it up, will you?"
"And Bill Clinton couldn't come tonight. Somebody order him a bimbo."
"President Obama got irritated and asked Joe Biden, 'Do you ever shut up?' and that reminded Joe of another story.
"Lindsey Graham is here tonight, or as he's known in Washington -- Linda Graham.
"Linda, how do you like those fishnet stockings Rev. Haggard gave you for Christmas?
"John McCain isn't getting any younger. He's so old, he gets food in his ear hair."
"John McCain is so old, he looks like a zit."
"John McCain is so old he had a pet trilobite."
"John McCain is so old, he has to gum his saliva."
"John McCain is so old, his diaper is made out of wooly mammoth."
"John McCain is so old, he repeats himself in Caveman."
"John McCain is so old, his skin biopsy was diagnosed as papyrus."
"Obama Girl is here tonight.
"Chlamydia Chowder, anyone?"
"And what would one of these dinners be like without Mary Matalin and James Carville?
"Good news for this power couple:
"James is going to play the GEICO lizard in the movie version, and his wife recently had a successful emotion transplant."
"But seriously, James Carville really does look like a reptile. Clinton once asked if Monica could borrow his tongue."
"Folks, do any of these vegetables remind you of Ronald Reagan? My brocolli does. Boy, wasn't he senile. There at the end, he even forgot to hate the poor."
"So aren't those Obama kids cute? Everybody in the country loves them except for Michael Jackson.
"'That's one sleep-over you can count Michael out of, Mr. President."
"And there's Larry King. Larry drove a 1969 walker here tonight. There he sits . . . farting mummy dust."
"Actually Lindsey Graham couldn't make it tonight. He's having a hysterectomy, but he and Larry Craig want to wish everyone 'the restroom stall of your dreams.'"
"And Khalid Sheikh Mohammed couldn't make it tonight. So let's all toast some water up our nostrils for him, shall we?"
"Gov. Huckabee, did anybody ever tell you that your wife was a Yeti? That's right. You're sleeping with the Abominable Snow Hick."