Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Some Hamas in the Hummus, Obama and Alfalfa

Well, Hamas and Israel are back where they started before the incursion. Hamas keeps sending rockets over the border, Israel keeps trying to close down smuggling with an occasional jet raid. Tunnels have been redug, its back to business as usual. All of the arms are being shipped through Egypt, so all it takes is a good policing there to severely limit smuggling activity. Except, and I didn't know this, that Hosni Mubarak has been the dictator of Egypt ever since Anwar Sadat was assassinated. His policies are pretty much two-faced, taking American and Israeli money while letting whatever he wants slip through his police patrols. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Do you think that the Israeli incursion into Gaza was a success? Elections are this month. If you ever thought that Dick Cheney was draconian in his outlook, spend some time with Tzipi Livni... she makes him look like a Boy Scout...

My local newspaper has redesigned itself, and not in a good way. Their new editor will ruin its readership and make it go out of business soon. This is a classic example of a man with bad ideas being rewarded, and if the recession keeps on like it has been, we won't have any newspapers at all in this part of Colorado. And, because it looks like it has stopped publishing columnists on its opinion page, I will try and pick up the slack. Here is Kathleen Parker's column, a bit surprisingly on Michael Phelps and marijuana laws.

And I'll even throw in Maureen Dowd because she's mean and evil...

Below is part of Barack Obama's speech at the Alfalfa Club Dinner, the one that Sarah blew off her fellow Republicans for. It seems that our Commander in Chief can tell a joke:

"I am seriously glad to be here tonight at the annual Alfalfa dinner. I know that many you are aware that this dinner began almost one hundred years ago as a way to celebrate the birthday of General Robert E. Lee. If he were here with us tonight, the General would be 202 years old. And very confused.
Now, this hasn't been reported yet, but it was actually Rahm's idea to do the swearing-in ceremony again. Of course, for Rahm, every day is a swearing-in ceremony.

But don't believe what you read. Rahm Emanuel is a real sweetheart.

No, it's true. Every week the guy takes a little time away to give back to the community. Just last week he was at a local school, teaching profanity to poor children.

But these are the kind of negotiations you have to deal with as President. In just the first few weeks, I've had to engage in some of the toughest diplomacy of my life. And that was just to keep my Blackberry. I finally agreed to limit the number of people who could email me. It's a very exclusive list. How exclusive?

Everyone look at the person sitting on your left. Now look at the person sitting on your right. None of you have my email address."

These were created by a guy named Perkins, in response to the Alfalfa Dinner article. Make sure you are not drinking any liquids, as you may end up snorting through your nose...


"I see Sarah Palin here tonight.

"We're a lot alike, really. I swore on Lincoln's Bible, and her kid, Trig, eats Lincoln Logs."

"Rod Blagojevich couldn't be hair tonight. What, did I say 'hair?'"

"Hair today, jail tomorrow!"

"Say 'hello' to Laura Bush, everyone. Her smile is brought to you by the Pfizer Corporation."

"And Chief Justice Roberts will deliver a toast tonight. Try not to f*** it up, will you?"

"And Bill Clinton couldn't come tonight. Somebody order him a bimbo."

"President Obama got irritated and asked Joe Biden, 'Do you ever shut up?' and that reminded Joe of another story.

"Lindsey Graham is here tonight, or as he's known in Washington -- Linda Graham.
"Linda, how do you like those fishnet stockings Rev. Haggard gave you for Christmas?

"John McCain isn't getting any younger. He's so old, he gets food in his ear hair."

"John McCain is so old, he looks like a zit."

"John McCain is so old he had a pet trilobite."

"John McCain is so old, he has to gum his saliva."

"John McCain is so old, his diaper is made out of wooly mammoth."

"John McCain is so old, he repeats himself in Caveman."

"John McCain is so old, his skin biopsy was diagnosed as papyrus."

"Obama Girl is here tonight.
"Chlamydia Chowder, anyone?"

"And what would one of these dinners be like without Mary Matalin and James Carville?
"Good news for this power couple:
"James is going to play the GEICO lizard in the movie version, and his wife recently had a successful emotion transplant."

"But seriously, James Carville really does look like a reptile. Clinton once asked if Monica could borrow his tongue."

"Folks, do any of these vegetables remind you of Ronald Reagan? My brocolli does. Boy, wasn't he senile. There at the end, he even forgot to hate the poor."

"So aren't those Obama kids cute? Everybody in the country loves them except for Michael Jackson.
"'That's one sleep-over you can count Michael out of, Mr. President."

"And there's Larry King. Larry drove a 1969 walker here tonight. There he sits . . . farting mummy dust."

"Actually Lindsey Graham couldn't make it tonight. He's having a hysterectomy, but he and Larry Craig want to wish everyone 'the restroom stall of your dreams.'"

"And Khalid Sheikh Mohammed couldn't make it tonight. So let's all toast some water up our nostrils for him, shall we?"

"Gov. Huckabee, did anybody ever tell you that your wife was a Yeti? That's right. You're sleeping with the Abominable Snow Hick."

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