Blatant Rip Off My Brain is Dead

Maureen Dowd
Kathleen Parker

Sorry, I'm sick today, got the flu... so, here are the jokes.

"Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand a few are expected to open tomorrow." --Jay Leno

"Presidents' Day, of course, the day we honor presidents Washington and Lincoln. And Saturday was, of course, Valentine's Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Congress passed the biggest spending bill in US history: $787 billion. The newspapers said today not one politician in Washington has read the bill, to which President Bush said, 'See, nobody reads that stuff! Who says I have no legacy?'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, you see this? In a new ranking of US presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That's better than he did in high school." --Jay Leno

"After withdrawing his name for commerce secretary, Sen. Judd Gregg said he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama, to which Joe Biden said, 'Don't worry about it. I do it all the time.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, more problems with the Democrats. Republicans are now calling for the new Illinois Sen. Roland Burris to resign after he apparently lied to investigators about talking to Rod Blagojevich's brother about campaign money. Rod Blagojevich has a brother? How bad is his hair? Geez!" --Jay Leno

"Last week, an American satellite collided with a Russian satellite over Siberia. And Sarah Palin said she could see the collision from her house." --Jay Leno

"Everybody has got Fashion Week fever in New York City, where they had a big 50th anniversary tribute to Barbie. Can you believe that Barbie has been around 50 years? During that time, they have had Preppie Barbie, Wedding Barbie, and Republican Running Mate Barbie." --David Letterman

"Here's something exciting. Hillary Clinton, our secretary of state, is on her first big round the world trip. She's visiting Asia, including a stop in China, where she is trying to do something about those leaky takeout food cartons." --David Letterman

"Yeah. Hillary is in Asia, Bill is in heaven." --David Letterman

"A new poll of historians just came out. And the poll has named former President George W. Bush one of the ten worst presidents of all time. But on the bright side, Bush was selected second best president named George Bush." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. Yesterday, one of President Obama's top advisors said that choosing cabinet members is not like picking 'American Idol.' Yeah, mainly because the 'American Idol' contestants have paid their taxes." --Conan O'Brien

"Marvel Comics has come out with a special edition comic book where Spider-Man and Captain America go back in time to watch Abraham Lincoln deliver the Gettysburg Address. It's true. Yeah, so this story finally answers the question, what would happen if Michael Phelps ran Marvel Comics?" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, of course, a very solemn day in America. We celebrate presidents past by getting a good deal on mattresses and big-screen TVs." --Craig Ferguson

Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas 

10   Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9    Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8    Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7    Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6    Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5    Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4    Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3    Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2    Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky             Grandpa Baby"

1    Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama