Just Jokes

Family emergency day, I'm running people to doctors, will try and post something this evening... so now it's just the jokes:

"The whole cast of 'Slumdog Millionaire' came out to see the Oscars. 'Slumdog' won best picture, which everyone seemed to know was going to happen. It was the big favorite going in. They're saying the only way it could have possibly lost is if it had picked Sarah Palin as a running mate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It is our first show back since the Obama administration. Or, as Rush Limbaugh calls it, 'End Times.'" --Bill Maher

"But I've got to tell you people, I'm a little nervous tonight. We started 16 years ago with 'Politically Incorrect' in 1993, moved over here to HBO with 'Real Time' in 2003. In all those years, I've never done a monologue where the president wasn't either a horny hillbilly or an illiterate dumbass. ... This is challenging, and it hasn't quite set in that Obama is president. I'm still writing 'F**k George Bush' on my checks." --Bill Maher

"Well, he's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher

"Yeah, he just this week signed a $787 billion stimulus bill, he proposed a $250 billion housing rescue package. He's been in office a month, and he's dropped a trillion dollars. Is that black enough for you?" --Bill Maher

"But what a task this guy has. He's got, on the one hand, to tell the people the truth. And on the other hand, try to lift our morale. Bill Clinton said today, you know, come on, lift morale, get out there and sell the hope thing, you know, that hope shit you've got. And both sides of the aisle are saying this. We have finally found something Democrats and Republicans agree that the president needs to do: lie." --Bill Maher

"And he does, because, I mean, some of our nations largest banks have been described this week as 'dead men walking.' The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here's the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here's a hint: one of them rhymes with 's**tty bank,' and the other rhymes with 'skank of America.'" --Bill Maher

"I'll hold my powder to the end, but really, it is a bad sign. I tried to withdraw $60 yesterday, and my ATM said, 'you know, I've got to move some things around.'" --Bill Maher

"These banks are hurting. I opened a new account, and the lady asked me for a toaster." --Bill Maher

"No, but it's hurting everyone all over. You heard about this, the Oscars are going to be a lot less gaudy this year. The Oscars, where I'm a presenter this year ... in the category I should have been nominated in. ... No, my money is on 'Slumdog Millionaire,' which is also what I call my broker" --Bill Maher

"The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It's a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves."

"The new chairman of the Republican party, Michael Steele, says that he wants to bring a greater Republican presence to the urban setting. Yeah. Well, there's already a Republican presence in the urban setting. He's called the landlord. He comes around every month."

"Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. She met with a group of children today. And she told them, 'You kids are doing a great job making those pantsuits. They're really fantastic.'"

"And listen to this. While she was in China, she also managed to get a pirated copy of the movie 'The Watchmen,' which hasn't even come out yet. They already have it. She bought it on the street. Fantastic."

"And at his trial this week, the Iraqi journalist, remember the one who threw his shoes at President Bush, remember that guy? Well, he said he rehearsed the attack for two years, rehearsed it for two years, even videotaped himself doing it. Well, how embarrassing is that? Guy practiced for two years and he still missed?"

"Archaeologists are going nuts in this town because they found the preserved skeleton of a 10,000-year-old mammoth while digging near the L.A. County Museum of Art. Of course, people all over the world are stunned. L.A. has a museum of art? What? And Larry King is furious. He thought he was the oldest thing in L.A. Apparently not." --Jay Leno

"President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today -- Canadian geese." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week, where she had kind of an awkward moment. I guess she saw a couple of sumo wrestlers and said to the Japanese prime minister, 'Oh, you have interns here, too.'" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week. After the meeting, Pelosi asked for the Pope's blessing, and he agreed. But there was an embarrassing moment when the Pope asked her to close her eyes. Pelosi said, 'You know, I can't. They don't really close.' " --Jay Leno

"Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. And this is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100%." --Jay Leno

"Hey, at 7:00 a.m. this morning, California finally passed a budget. We have a budget in California. The impasse was finally broken when Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger threatened to make a sequel to 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, we have a budget, so now we Californians can get back to doing what we do best -- buying homes we can't afford and letting murderers go free." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She's blaming it on Alex Rodriguez's cousin." --David Letterman

"Luckily, Sarah Palin can see the IRS from her house." --David Letterman

"Are you excited about the Academy Awards? There is a film in the Best Documentary category about Vice President Dick Cheney and his relationship with the Saudis. And you know what the name of that one is? 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia.'" --David Letterman

"There's a new study that says that in America, rich people are ruder than poor people. This is shocking because I didn't know America had any rich people left." --Craig Ferguson

"One of the largest Swiss banks is revealing its secret client list to the IRS Look at the headline: 'Swiss Bank to Reveal Secrets.' The story is in The New York Times so you know it's partially true!" --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He visited Canada, and let me tell you something: If Obama can finally mend our relationship with Canada, well then we'll know this guy really is on to something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Eric Holder, who is our first African-American attorney general, told the Justice Department that when it comes to race, America is a 'nation of cowards.' You know, he's right. I will admit that there are certain things that I would be afraid to say to a black person, like, 'Hey, Queen Latifah, you aren't all that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Kim Jong Il's Campaign Headquarters

10. How do we improve perfection?
9. Maybe it would help your likability if you stopped killing people.
8. Remind voters there have been no Godzilla attacks on my watch.
7. After promising nuclear Armegeddon, throw in a folksy, "You betcha!"
6. Remind people you come from Pyongyang just like Kim Jong-Lincoln.
5. Korean food again?
4. Maybe we should hire a new chairman and move Kim to 10pm.
3. Get a load of that bodacious booty! (Sorry, that was overheard at Kim Kardashian's house).
2. With 0% of the precincts reporting, you've won in a landslide.
1. Hillary's running against me?