Friday, January 20, 2012

Newt's Fake Moral Outrage, Spy Kids

“I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that,” - Newt Gingrich

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky"

10. Answers all questions with, "So's your mother"
9. Offered Santorum a 10,000-vote head start in South Carolina primary
8. He's forwarding his mail to the White House — Wow, that's cocky
7. Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy
6. Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC
5. Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry's campaign
4. Now spelling "Mittt" with three T's
3. Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and "making it rain"
2. Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico
1. Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

Newt Gingrich has found his niche, the call that invariably invokes the right response. Attack the questioners at the debate, receive a standing ovation... It seems to be the conservative, white, racist way of sticking it to the man, which is a form of craziness in itself, but works in places like Iowa and South Carolina. The predictability of Newt the attack muffin repeating this behavior in the next debate on Monday is around 100%. We tune into these debates hoping to see a Rick Perry melt down or make embarrassing statements. Proving that the best defense is an aggressive offense, Newt immediately lambasted moderator John King for asking the open marriage question. But he laid it on too thick, and I didn't quite believe his moral outrage, so I couldn't forgive him for his sins. He layered the cheese a little too thick on the Southern crackers...

In response, this morning many media pundits are saying that Newt has a good chance to ultimately beat out Romney for GOP presidential candidate. He's made more enemies within his own party than Mit has, so revenge might be sweeter when it comes time to throw him under the bus at the convention, and pulling a Jeb Bush out of a hat... After Newt got kicked out of Congress, it seems he made a deal with a demon, and her name is Callista. She is responsible for his transformation, from a broke-down, political hack, into a well-baked conservative muffin, who smells nice coming out of the oven, but is still frosted with slime...

Rick Perry withdrew from the race and gave his support to Newt, see what I mean? Rick will probably try to cheer himself up by executing a few inmates after a couple bottles of Jack, safe once again deep in the heart of Texas... But, no matter how many headlines these debates generate, it all pales in coolness to Barack Obama singing Al Green's Let's Stay Together at a fundraiser, and sounding good while doing it. You just know that he and Michelle have cranked that tune up on a few Friday nights...

When I was a kid, one of the coolest things I saw was the James Bond car from Thunderball, an Aston Martin. Actually, it was a bit disappointing, because they brought it to our local Sears store, and left it sitting out in the parking lot; there was no-one to demonstrate all of the hidden weapons. Nevertheless, it seemed the ultimate in spy gear, which the British cornered as smoothly as a martini, shaken, not stirred... Thirty years later, what marvels of technology have the British come up with, that will spark the imaginations of young boys everywhere? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you - - the Rock. Not just any old rock, either, but a clever place to hide a telecommunications device that was used as an information drop in Moscow.

Unfortunately, the Russians got wind of this fiendish plan, and filmed a pair of British spies using the rock, then they broadcast it on television, as well as showing the rock and how it worked. The British government denied that it was theirs, up until yesterday, when a representative of the government admitted that, yes, the rock was theirs after all. They were hoping that the Russians would take it for granite... Which makes one wonder about the abilities of our staunchest ally. After all, if we hadn't given the British military the use of our newly developed Stinger missiles, and satellite communications, they would have lost the War in the Falkland Islands. That's right, they'd all be speaking Spanish and dancing the tango right now... Maybe it's a good thing to know that, in this day and age of high tech surveillance drones and satellites circling the globe, that there remains a group dedicated to the basics, spying the old-school way. If it worked in Afghanistan, why not in the middle of urban Moscow???

RIP Etta James

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