“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” – Jay Leno
“According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he's now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don't confuse that with Herman Cain's campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?” – Jay Leno
“So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn't they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?” – Jay Leno
Moscow, Russia. Now that Putin has safely been elected, his corrupt friends are using the courts to whitewash their crimes.
Sergei L. Magnitsky was a 37 year-old lawyer who worked for an investment fund based in London. He brought charges in Russian court that a group of officials had set up shell companies and used his investment fund as a front for stealing over $230 million from the Russian treasury. When such a thing as this happened in Afghanistan, everyone just shrugged it off and ignored any charges. But in Mother Russia, where they never forgive or forget, the same officials had the lawyer, Mr Magnitsky arrested and thrown in prison. Instead of living to fight another day, he promptly died.
Evidently, a scapegoat had to be found, so the two prison doctors were arrested and charged with neglecting Mr Magnitsky's health, of which they were convicted. A travesty of justice, I hear you say, but at least one wheel of justice seemed to be working... But Russia's top investigative agency has just released one of the prison doctors, Larisa A. Litvinova, saying that the statute of limitations had run out on the case. Friends of Mr Magnitsky are not happy, and are being quite vocal in their opposition. In response, the Russian government, which doesn't seem to mind being ripped off for such a huge amount, has also announced that it is thinking of refiling the criminal charges against Sergei Magnitsky... I guess they can dig him up from his grave and do something else sicko and revulsive, as long as it besmirches what reputation is left to his name... I also hear that Putin is thinking of making polonium 210 the national radioactive element of Russia...
She told me that many women will hide drugs, knives or other weapons, or their jewelry up inside their vajay-jays, and you can never tell what-all you might find up there... She also offered that the cleanliness habits are rather low on some, and the combination of contraband, rotting plastic baggies, and stewing body juices make for some of the worst smells she's ever encountered. And yes, men will shove knives and things up their butts, too.
So, I guess I'll try to be gracious about it, the next time I'm brought in by our hard-working boys in blue. A little lube maybe the best I can hope for... Of course, our boys in blue these days have to be coaxed to respond to such low-level problems such as traffic accidents or domestic violence. My brother-in-law got rear-ended last night, while parked at the supermarket. The other driver thought she had her Chevy Blazer in reverse, but it was actually in drive when she gave it some gas, leaped over the concrete divider and across the aisle into the back of his parked car. The police didn't want to respond because the accident took place on "private" property. My brother-in-law was insistent that they send an officer, because the other driver was a sixteen-year-old girl, driving without a license, and he wasn't sure if her insurance company was real or not. Luckily, he made it home without being strip-searched, and I presume the girl did, too... But, it was dicey there for a few moments, you could see it in the policeman's eyes...