Spring Break Locally, After Health Reform...

Fareed Zakaria
Eleanor Clift
David Sanger


The Daily Beast rated 57 metropolitan cities on how wonderfully crazy they are, in the sense that a bit of eccentricity keeps you sane. Denver was the only Colorado city to be rated, and though we didn't make the top ten, we were in the first 20 rankings. The numbers show where Denver ranked as compared to the other 57 cities:

                      #16 Denver 

          Psychiatrists per capita: 16
          Stress: 24
          Eccentricity: 38
          Drinking: 14 (tie)
          Crazy Law: It is illegal to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.



Spring is just around the corner, and that means it is party time for all you wild college kids and high school kids with fake id's. Mom and dad: whatever you do, DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS TRAVEL TO MEXICO THIS SPRING BREAK! Not Cancun, not Acapulco, not even Rosarito. Especially keep them away from South Texas and anywhere near the Mexican border. Remember, there is a drug war going on between the cartels and the police, and it looks like the cartels are winning.

And if you are some dewey eyed journalism major or blogger who thinks that the combination of tequila, Spring Break, and the sound of automatic rifle fire go seamlessly together in the morning, please think again. They are especially killing reporters: "The Mexican government’s drug offensive, employing tens of thousands of soldiers, marines and federal police officers, has unleashed ever increasing levels of violence over the last three years as traffickers have fought to protect their lucrative smuggling routes. Journalists have long been among the victims, but the attacks on members of the media now under way in Reynosa and elsewhere along a long stretch of border from Nuevo Laredo to Matamoros are at their worst.


Traffickers have gone after the media with a vengeance in these strategic border towns where drugs are smuggled across by the ton. They have shot up newsrooms, kidnapped and killed staff members and called up the media regularly with threats that were not the least bit veiled. Back off, the thugs said. Do not dare print our names. We will kill you the next time you publish a photograph like that." I know that it's weird, but vacationing in Compton is safer right now.

I think that the invention of Spring Break vacation was concocted by Midwestern college kids. Living out along the California coast like I did, every weekend was Spring Break. I could ride my bicycle to Venice Beach and watch the crazies or take in a great jazz jam session in the afternoon. I could stay home at Hermosa or Manhattan Beach and bodysurf all day, go to clubs at night, everywhere from Hollywood to Laguna Beach. In fact, I'm reading Thomas Pynchon's new book Inherent Vice, and having a great time identifying all of the locations he is mentioning. in it.

Anyway, in the interest of saving the lives of our children, do not let them be fodder for massacres or drive-by shootings down south of the border. Print out this bumpersticker and pass it around:

- Spring Break -

Drink Globally, Party Locally

It looks like Congress will pass the health care legislation next week. Then, all of this fake tension and fighting can stop, the media blitz will subside, and the Republicans can take a few deep breaths, unless they've whipped themselves into a frenzy and went completely over the edge. Then, we'll have to hunt them down and shoot them, poor things. Good thing we still have our gun rights can strap our pistols to our hips and chase the old bastards into the National Parks. Wait, I think that one is trying to take the Appalachian Trail...

And the newly minted fascist federal government will issue special hunting permits... After all, perhaps the kindest thing we can do for the burned-out husks of right wing politicians is to recycle them, yes, Chuck Grassly, and you Lindsey Graham, are our next Soylent Green! It gives a new twist when we ask our Congressperson what's on their plate for next session... After a good meal and plenty of rest, we can contemplate the next tasks that Obama is going to tackle: financial reform and immigration reform! Boy, Obama really doesn't want to get re-elected, does he? On the other hand, if he resolves all of the major issues that have been undermining our society for so long, then maybe it will be safe  and tamper-proof enough to let  some Republicans win more seats come 2012. There won't be anything left for Sara and Newt to screw up bigtime, and we can treat them like the mind-candy that they really are... now that's what I call a real Tea Party...