Weekend Updates: Newt, Steele, and the Plumber Toss John a Boehner...

Kathleen Parker

"I ... wanted them to see I was alive and well, contrary to that senator who said I'd be dead within nine months." - Ruth Ginsburg

TPM has this update on Michael Steele: "According to Mike Allen, the people around Michael Steele are thinking he should bring on a co-chairman who will focus on organizing, management and fundraising and let Michael stay focused on TV appearances where he's doing such a bang-up job ... Its bad enough the GOP has been playing copycat since the presidential campaigns, and they have elected Mr Steele to the RNC because he's Black, in the worst example of affirmative action I've ever seen. To use my favorite analogy, just because you are Chinese doesn't mean you can cook, and just because you are a conservative black man doesn't mean you are qualified to run a national office, especially if there are criminal complaints against you...

Here's more on Newt Gingrich's desire to run for president in 2012: "As we said a couple days ago, there’s always a slogan. You know, Barack Obama’s successful “Yes we can” or Walter Mondale’s failed “America needs a change” or James Blaine’s “Ma, Ma, Where’s my Pa, Gone to the White House, Ha, Ha, Ha” (That one failed too. Ask President Blaine).

So with news today that Newt Gingrich is considering a run for president in 2012, there are any number of slogans you could try, like:

“You got any other suggestions?” or “Hey, I’m not Joe the Plumber!” or “Newt-Rush 2012: We’ll talk your ear off.” Guess I'm going to have to come up with a few slogans myself, I wonder how much Newt would pay for a ghost writer?

The Christian Science Monitor has a great piece on Joe the Plumber suing the state of Ohio: "It would be a heckuva lot more dramatic if Joe the Plumber announced he was representing himself in the lawsuit. Entering the courtroom with legal briefs in one hand and plunger in the other. Vowing to flush the legal system clean of impropriety and wrong doing.

It kinda has a John Grisham feel to it.

Sure, Joe doesn’t have a law degree, but he doesn’t have a plumber’s license either. And in just a few short months, he’s been a renaissance man. Campaigner, author, war correspondent, economic advisor, speaker — why not lawyer?" The one thing that is not lacking is the size of this guy's ego. We might as well train him and let him do a radio talk show...

This next news item pretty much proves that congressional Republicans have gone totally insane: "The top Republican in the House is seizing on the latest spike in unemployment to call for a freeze on government spending and to urge President Barack Obama to veto a $410 billion spending bill.

Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio, said the jump in unemployment to 8.1 percent and the loss of 651,000 jobs in February is a sign of a worsening recession that demands better solutions from both parties. Boehner criticized the spending bill as chocked full of wasteful, pork-barrel projects.... Boehner said he hoped Obama would veto the bill. He urged the president to work with House Republicans to impose a spending freeze until the end of this fiscal year."

The spending bill was put together with Republican help at the end of the Bush administration, and the biggest pork projects were written in by Republicans. I believe I read that Boehner himself has asked for over $118 million... I can see going over every item of procurement to make sure we are getting stuff at a fair price, deleting excess, redundant, and corrupt practices from how we do business. Lord knows how much the Bush administration screwed up the process by deliberately throwing those monkey wrenches, trying to destroy the government in the name of limited government. And, we should even eliminate all earmarks until we can redo that process, making it honest, transparent, and not allowing them to be written by lobbyists or congressmen to accept campaign contributions for writing in an earmark...

The pessimistic consensus I've read in response to the spike in unemployment, which doesn't seem to be getting any better, is that the economic stimulus may have been too little too late, and more may be needed. A spending freeze is just the opposite response and would create more of a depression. Its a tactic that would work better in a healthy economy. This is just brain-dead whining. If you really want to be part of the problem solving process, you have to come up with good ideas, not be the laughing stock with everyone pointing at you... As long as has beens like John Boehner and Newt Gingrich are in charge Republicans might as well roll over and die, or leave and create a few new parties...

Late night jokes:

"Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It's great. It's much nicer than the one George Bush used." --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges." -- Craig Ferguson

"One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't one of them." -- Craig Ferguson

"Was it nice outside today or not? Yeah! Sunny. I thought it was a very sunny day. I'm driving to work today and I saw a foreclosure sign with an awning." -- David Letterman

"Beautiful day. It was so sunny, as a matter of fact, down on Wall Street, the stockbrokers were applying sunscreen before they jumped." -- David Letterman

"But do you know anything about the Dow Jones, ladies and gentlemen? The Dow Jones average went down to 6,000. Do you know what that means? Neither do
I, but it's the first time in 12 years that the Dow has been the same as Rush Limbaugh's cholesterol." -- David Letterman

"As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. I don't want to say Rush is fat but he is a red state." -- David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, however. And he says that he can defeat President Obama in a debate. I'm thinking maybe a competitive eating contest, but I don't know about a debate." -- David Letterman

"Oh, big day in Washington, DC, today. Pretty boy Brad Pitt was down there talking to Congress. Brad Pitt, of course, married to the original octomom." -- David Letterman

"I love this story. The President's latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That's what the paper said today. He's agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?" -- Jay Leno

"And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government's "Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.'" -- Jay Leno

"And according to a top Russian scholar, the US economy will collapse next year, which comes as a huge shock to most people. I think we thought it was going to collapse this year, so we've got another year to party. Yeah!" -- Jay Leno

"And Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scream that screwed $50 billion out of people is now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I've got a solution for that, okay? It's called the death penalty." -- Jay Leno

"I'll tell you, the economy is in bad shape in this country, but the local economy here in Los Angeles is improving, especially if your name is Manny Ramirez. Yeah. Hear about this? Ramirez signed a two-year, $45 million deal with pro baseball's Los Angeles Dodgers. And Ramirez played hardball for that money. He told the Dodgers that if they did not give him the money he was asking for, he was going to leave and go over to AIG, who has plenty of dough." -- Jay Leno

"You know what famous pet passed way? Socks the cat, who was 9 years old so I guess it was time. But right up until the end, Bill Clinton was still blaming the cat for the fresh scratch marks on his back." -- Jay Leno