Thursday, October 13, 2011

Rick Perry's Bad Back Makes Him Dumb, Iranian - Houston Terror Plot, Gilad Shalit To Be Released

Dana Milbank
Thomas Friedman
"YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, 'Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.'" " – Jimmy Fallon
"Under Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that's his chances of becoming president." – Jay Leno
"California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up." – Conan O'Brien

Two days after I postulated that Rick Perry was under the influence of muscle-relaxers or reds during the Florida debate, his campaign said that he was suffering from back pain. So, I called it right. But, at last night's debate in New Hampshire, what was Rick Perry's excuse? We need to have all of our candidates and our elected officials disclose all of the drugs they take by prescription. It has a lot to do with how well they can function, and I don't want my congressperson nodding out or not comprehending proposed legislation.... It's bad enough most of them are dumber than stumps, and mix in something potentially addictive, and you get a Rick Perry...

And it's not just some good ol' boy from Texas that we have to worry about, it can also be some foreign born used car salesman from Houston that jumps to the front of the news... Our story begins with a couple of minor members of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, sitting around and getting high, either on the locally grown marijuana, Somalian khat, or Afghani opium. They begin riffing on what kind of ways they could get back at the US and Israel for the computer virus and assassination of a nuclear scientist, and one guy says that he has a cousin who lives in America, why don't we get him to blow up the Israeli Embassy in Washington, maybe a few Saudi embassies in other countries thrown in. Yeah, why don't I give my cousin Mansour a call, what can it hurt?

An alternative theory is that this scenario was planned, or at least approved by the head Ayatollah Khamenei himself, proving that he never was the smartest student and his mental powers have devolved into something that resembles Alzheimer's, whatever you would call it in Farsi...

But wait, the weird part begins when the used car salesman suggests to hire a Mexican cartel to do this for us, and in return we can sell them huge amounts of heroin from Afghanistan. The opium growers increased their plantings of poppies this year in anticipation... Mansour asked around, and was soon introduced to a man who was connected to the Zeta cartel in Mexico, except that he was really an informant for the Feds... The deal supposedly solidified that the Zetas would assassinate the Saudi ambassador to the US at some restaurant near the embassy, hopefully getting a few US Senators in the process.

If the whole thing sounds amateurish, that's because it is. But the used car salesman was able to go back to Iran and have his cousin wire the informant $100,000 as a down payment on a $1.5 million fee. Mansour then flew to Mexico City, but Mexico refused him entry, put him on a commercial flight back home with a stop in New York City, where he was arrested. As Hillary Clinton put it:
"The idea that they would go to a Mexican drug cartel to solicit murder-for-hire to kill the Saudi ambassador, nobody could make that up, right?

This story will only get more bizarre over the next few days as Iran tries to disavow how dumb their professional soldiers really are, and the embarrassment of being caught out in public. Of course, if they had pulled it off, the Ayatollah Khamenei would be the new sweetback, singing his badass song in the Middle East, with the ghost of bin Laden passing him the terror torch...

Don't get your hopes up too high... Hamas and Israel have come to an agreement to get Gilad Shalit released from jail, where he has been kept by Hamas since 2006. The Israeli Prime Minister said that he should be home within a few days, but here is where there could be a snag. Israel will release 1,027 people from prison in exchange for Mr Shalit, and there was celebration in Gaza over so many of their children coming home. Ever since he was captured, Mr Shalit's family has staged public demonstrations and press conferences to put pressure on the Israeli government to try and negotiate his release, at one point over 10,000 Israelis joined them on a march from the Shalit's home in northern Israel to Jerusalem.

This is just the latest in the public relation wars between Hamas and Fatah for the hearts and minds of the citizens of Gaza. Both groups are trying to appear to be doing the most for their people, Fatah making an application for UN recognition, and Hamas with the release of Gilad Shalit. If they really wanted to resolve this strange pissing match, why don't they hold election? After all, elections should have been held three years ago, and neither parties want to hold another one in case they get voted out. Sure, will anybody believe that Hamas would peacefully leave Gaza if they lost an election? Even in these days of change in the Middle East?

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