Friday, May 20, 2011

We All Go Camping, Dick Cheney's Book

Paul Krugman
Dana Milbank
Michelle Cottle
"In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that's been taken care of by the current field of Republicans." - Jimmy Fallon
"They found so much porn at Bin Laden's compound that they're investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages. So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you're not looking at porn, you're analyzing coded messages. 'Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda.'" - Conan O'Brien

"Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, 'SEAL Team 6.' They also renamed their most popular ride, 'It's a Small World - and We Will Find Where You're Hiding and Kill You.'" - Conan O'Brien

I understand that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Schriver have put their home in LA up for sale, for $27 million. Arnold is thinking of moving to France, where he can be as respected as the head of the IMF and party like their will be no coming Apocalypse... He also had put all of his movie projects on hold. They may have to rewrite the Terminator series, the two changes they are thinking of is to have the Terminator robot wear the letter "A" on its chest, or to have it speak more like Darth Vader, so when it meets up woth John Connor, it can say " John, I'm your father..."

Harold Camping is a 72 year old evangelist who is predicting that the Apocalypse will happen today and tomorrow. Just in case he is wrong, he has amassed $72 million to keep him comfortable if he is one of those Left Behind. If you know someone who is actually psychic, they'll tell you that nobody can accurately predict more than 100 years ahead of time, which means that all of the Biblical prophesies have either already happened a very long time ago, or they went bust, just like over 80% of every modern day psychic's predictions... For the rest of us, here's ten handy hints from David Letterman:

Top Ten Ways To Make The Apocalypse More Fun

10. Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris
9.  Crazy hats like at the Royal Wedding
8.  All-you-can-eat baby back ribs with Chili's Aporkalypse special
7.  Instead of four horsemen, three horsemen and a monkey riding a dog
6.  Telecast of the Real Housewives being vaporized
5.  Live tweet it
4.  Hilarious slide whistle sound effect when the righteous ascend to heaven
3.  Raffle drawing for a Broyhill dinette set
2.  People's panicked pleas for mercy are critiqued by Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, and Howie       Mandel
1.  More fun? What's more fun than the apocalypse?

I saw Mike Huckabee on the Jay Leno show last night. The Mike Huckabee I liked was on, talking reasonably and making sense like some kind of moderate, saying that he never believed all of that birther nonsense. Then, when you get him in front of some good old-boy audience does he start getting all racist and evangelical on you... Both Mike and Donald Trump decided that they liked the money they made from television shows was a lot better than the stress of a presidential race, and have bowed out. Late-night comedians all regret that The Donald won't run, even Jeff Ross was getting ready for another Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump... Besides, the comedy routines by Seth Meyers and Barack Obama showed how thin-skinned Mr Trump really is, and then Barack showed him, by interrupting the Celebrity Apprentice to announce the death of Osama bin Laden, a taste of what he would be in for... Can't get more old-school style than a shooting in the face...
"Donald Trump was sitting nearby. Everybody was laughing at Donald Trump and it was the most beautiful thing in the world. To have the bully of the world or whatever – it was fantastic. It was really great. I wanted to go up to him and go, ‘Didn’t you think any of that was funny?’ But you don’t want to engage with somebody that’s so grotesque.” - Actor Zach Galifianakis, describing his time at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Speaking about shooting people in the face, Dick Cheney has a new book coming out. The front cover has been hastily redone, to go along with the Cheney fantasy that he had something to do with bin Laden's death. It is creepy, they took the spot in the White House where Obama walked down the hall to deliver his message about bin Laden, then photoshopped in the figure of Dick Cheney, a full foot taller than Obama, and wearing the same suit that Obama had on, with a pin of the American flag in exactly the same spot that Barack wore his pin, and the same tie...

Those who tend to favor Mr Cheney insist that the jacket cover was done quite aawhile ago, and that Mr Obama staged the event to look like the Dick Cheney photograph, making the old chicken or egg quandry... This means that Dick and his daughter will now be on the Sunday political talk shows for the next two months... Enjoy the scoop on the book from David Letterman:

Top Ten Chapter Titles In Dick Cheney's New Memoir

10. "How To Shoot Friends And Influence People"
9.  "They Call Me Bypass Booey"
8.  "Man I Love Them Kardashian Sisters"
7.  "Let A Sneer Be Your Umbrella"
6.  "Why I Voted For John Kerry In 2004"
5.  "My Lifelong Love Affair With Bacon"
4.  "Clear!"
3.  "The Time I Saw Rumsfeld Naked"
2.  "Tuesdays With Moron"
1.  "Being The Best Dick I Can Be"

Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu must be reading the same memo notes that the rest of the right wing Republicans are, that anything that Barack Obama proposes is wrong. Benjamin is a grumpy, mean-spirited man who doesn't like the USA, and now he gets to take out all presvious imagined slights out on our President and slam Obama's ideas for a two-state settlement. Doesn't matter that they were the agreed upon basis for negotiations for the last 30 years, it's suddenly not acceptable to Israel. Take Netanyahu's style and rantings, and place them in our White House, and you'll get an idea of what it may be like having a right winger as president. Makes John Boehner look like a Boy Scout...

Ahh, man... I know that I'm missing a lot of good material. I especially wanted to thank John McCain for finally standing up like a man and talking about torture. Rick Santorum proved to be such an a**hole that I'm pretty sure it ruined his chances as a minor presidential candidate. A lot of things happened here in Colorado, we have such a passionate, diverse groups of voters. We have a lot of tea partyers who are very conservative, and then we have their children, who are quite liberal. Hopefully, they cancel each other out in the big elections...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hi! Thanks for commenting. I always try to respond...