"In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that's been taken care of by the current field of Republicans." - Jimmy Fallon
"They found so much porn at Bin Laden's compound that they're investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages. So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you're not looking at porn, you're analyzing coded messages. 'Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda.'" - Conan O'Brien
"Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, 'SEAL Team 6.' They also renamed their most popular ride, 'It's a Small World - and We Will Find Where You're Hiding and Kill You.'" - Conan O'Brien
Top Ten Ways To Make The Apocalypse More Fun
10. Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris
9. Crazy hats like at the Royal Wedding
8. All-you-can-eat baby back ribs with Chili's Aporkalypse special
7. Instead of four horsemen, three horsemen and a monkey riding a dog
6. Telecast of the Real Housewives being vaporized
5. Live tweet it
4. Hilarious slide whistle sound effect when the righteous ascend to heaven
3. Raffle drawing for a Broyhill dinette set
2. People's panicked pleas for mercy are critiqued by Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, and Howie Mandel
1. More fun? What's more fun than the apocalypse?
I saw Mike Huckabee on the Jay Leno show last night. The Mike Huckabee I liked was on, talking reasonably and making sense like some kind of moderate, saying that he never believed all of that birther nonsense. Then, when you get him in front of some good old-boy audience does he start getting all racist and evangelical on you... Both Mike and Donald Trump decided that they liked the money they made from television shows was a lot better than the stress of a presidential race, and have bowed out. Late-night comedians all regret that The Donald won't run, even Jeff Ross was getting ready for another Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump... Besides, the comedy routines by Seth Meyers and Barack Obama showed how thin-skinned Mr Trump really is, and then Barack showed him, by interrupting the Celebrity Apprentice to announce the death of Osama bin Laden, a taste of what he would be in for... Can't get more old-school style than a shooting in the face...
"Donald Trump was sitting nearby. Everybody was laughing at Donald Trump and it was the most beautiful thing in the world. To have the bully of the world or whatever – it was fantastic. It was really great. I wanted to go up to him and go, ‘Didn’t you think any of that was funny?’ But you don’t want to engage with somebody that’s so grotesque.” - Actor Zach Galifianakis, describing his time at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
Top Ten Chapter Titles In Dick Cheney's New Memoir
10. "How To Shoot Friends And Influence People"
9. "They Call Me Bypass Booey"
8. "Man I Love Them Kardashian Sisters"
7. "Let A Sneer Be Your Umbrella"
6. "Why I Voted For John Kerry In 2004"
5. "My Lifelong Love Affair With Bacon"
3. "The Time I Saw Rumsfeld Naked"
2. "Tuesdays With Moron"
1. "Being The Best Dick I Can Be"
Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu must be reading the same memo notes that the rest of the right wing Republicans are, that anything that Barack Obama proposes is wrong. Benjamin is a grumpy, mean-spirited man who doesn't like the USA, and now he gets to take out all presvious imagined slights out on our President and slam Obama's ideas for a two-state settlement. Doesn't matter that they were the agreed upon basis for negotiations for the last 30 years, it's suddenly not acceptable to Israel. Take Netanyahu's style and rantings, and place them in our White House, and you'll get an idea of what it may be like having a right winger as president. Makes John Boehner look like a Boy Scout...
Ahh, man... I know that I'm missing a lot of good material. I especially wanted to thank John McCain for finally standing up like a man and talking about torture. Rick Santorum proved to be such an a**hole that I'm pretty sure it ruined his chances as a minor presidential candidate. A lot of things happened here in Colorado, we have such a passionate, diverse groups of voters. We have a lot of tea partyers who are very conservative, and then we have their children, who are quite liberal. Hopefully, they cancel each other out in the big elections...