Bin Laden's Beard, International Monetary Fund Makes Excuses

Mahmoud Abbas
Paul Krugman

"Iran's intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That's like Pakistan having a truth minister." – Jay Leno

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" – Conan O'Brien

"The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden's compound. It's probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles: 'Debby Does Abbottabad,' 'Deep Goat,' 'Bare Ankles 4,' and '2 Humps, 1 Camel.'" – Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary"

10. Always dotted the 'I' in 'Jihad' with a smiley face
9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding
8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard
7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen
6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect
5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs
4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites
3. The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album
2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno
1. Turns out he was kind of a coward

Lots of interesting things have been going on while I was sleeping like a bat, with my heels above my head, trying to regain some healthy bloodflow and pissing away some excess body weight. One of the most interesting are the tidbits of information being leaked by our government on Osama bin Laden. The unofficial leaker has given out more information than wikileaks ever did, making Julian Assange look like a local gossip columnist... We learn that bin Laden had Aveena syrup, a local herbal concoction that passes as a Viagra substitute, that he had a stash of porn, that he did not have the porn, that he kept a diary, and that he would dye his beard black to appear younger and in vital health for his dvd message recordings, all silly stuff aimed to discredit bin Laden as a holy warrior.

That bin Laden was a planner and never a fighter should come as no shock to anyone. His fantasy was that he was a reincarnation of the prophet that everyone would flock to. Dying his beard is an affectation that most men do at least once in their lives, and it's a tradition that older men routinely practice throughout Asia and the Middle East. Either they eventually get the message of how ridiculous they look, or they continue the trend seeking more ways to stroke their shallow egos. The creepy part is when young guys also start dying their hair blacker than black, and look like they have just added shoe polish to their heads, thinking, if it works this well for patent leather... right Dave Weigel?

Follow you where, General Petraeus?

Not only did the US not tell the Pakistani military that we were going to invade their country for about an hour, but now the US military in Afghanistan is holding talks directly with the Taliban groups without having the Pakistani intelligence along to babysit. Now we can find out directly what it will take for the Taliban groups to stop fighting so we can leave. Since the old-guard Taliban leaders all have their vacation houses and are living in places like Quetta, Pakistan, we can negotiate with a younger crowd, who might relish being integrated into the army or police and come in from the wilderness. Now that we no longer have an official excuse to be fighting in Afghanistan, we need to find a painless, elegant way back out. Unfortunately, we more resemble the hyena who has chewed its way up the dead elephant's rear end and is having problems extricating itself - a lot more damage may yet be done...

Is it any surprise that Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu is running around like a chicken-with-its-head-cut-off,  preparing himself without any major peace plans tp present to President Obama when he comes to the US next week? What difference does he present to the world, between Israel or Syria, both firing on unarmed protesters and killing them, then complaining that they are outside agitators and thugs, bent on destroying the state? He looks like any other right wing buffoon, making up a load of BS to justify his fascistic actions... The question being asked inside Israel, is why didn't the Army prepare for some kind of protest on last Saturday, sine some kind of protest has happened on that day for the last 40 years... The question that wiil be asked when Netanyahu arrives in America to pander in front of Congress and selected well-heeled groups, is how much can we give you? Inspiring Netanyahu to rant even more that it's all the Palestinians fault that the peace negotiations have been stalled...

Speaking of sexist pigs, the managing director of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off of a flight leaving New York, after having been accused of attempting to rape a hotel maid at the French owned Sofitel hotel. He thought she was one of the regular whores provided by the hotel, or he thought he was back in Europe, where that sort of behavior is considered normal, nudge, nudge, wink, wink... Then again, he could have still been drunk from the night before, and thought he was visiting Arnold Shwartzenegger, and they were gonna share... Usually, whenever a visiting official with diplomatic immunity is caught trying to force themselves on some teenager, and it happens more than you'd think, the State Dept quietly whisks them off and deports them back to their country, no trial, no sense of justice given to the victims. But here we have someone who has too much of political image, he was thought to be next in line for the French presidency, and now this sorry spectacle will play itself out to its sad and dreary end, hopefully taking a few more politicians down with him... Who knows, maybe The Family and Senator Coburn arranged payoffs for people involved in this story, too. After all, attacking a black hotel maid must be the lesser evil than arresting and killing Ugandans just because they are gay, another item inspired by Doug Coe and The Family... As for Arnold, I always was amazed that Joe Weider's boy toy made it so far in politics. Then, like most males, he succumbed to the urge to bring it all crashing down... Then again, even Bridgit Neilson has confided in her new tell-all, what a great lover Arnold was, and why he was known as the Austrian Oak...