Thursday, April 14, 2011

GOP Race Has Begun, Triad Scam In California, Time To Retread Bill Clinton...

David Ignatius
Mark McKinnon
Gail Collins
"It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach." – Jimmy Fallon
"Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?" – Bill Maher
"I almost didn't come to work today. I'm so depressed we still have a government. And we could have blamed it on the Democrats." – Stephen Colbert

From the Twitter feed that Stephen Colbert started about John Kyle, who may not be the dumbest man in Congress, but is known as Arizona's answer to Jeff Sessions, the top ten of #notintendedtobeafactualstatement :

1. Jon Kyl holds the Guinness World Record for "Largest Collection of Penis Enlargers."

2. In 2009, Jon Kyl lost $380,000 wagering on dwarf tossing.

3. Jon Kyl calls the underside of his Senate seat: "The Booger Graveyard."

4. Jon Kyl has the world's most extensive catalogue of snuff films.

5. Jon Kyl can unhinge his jaw like a python to swallow small rodents whole.

6. Jon Kyl calls all Asians "Neil" no matter what their name is.

7. Jon Kyl let a game-winning ground ball roll through his legs in Game 6 of the '86 World Series.

8. Jon Kyl developed his own line of hair care products just so he could test them on bunnies.

9. Once a year, Jon Kyl retreats to the Arizona Desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand.

10. Jon Kyl is one of Gaddafi's sexy female ninja guards.

Watch out! The GOP Presidential candidate landslide is about to begin! Yesterday Mit Romney announce that he was forming an exploratory committee, which in politi-speak or freakolitics, means announcing his candidacy. Today Rick Santorum announced his candidacy to even bigger yawns. Who will be next? How large will the field be and will it be an all-star field or a bunch of posers like Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump? Michele Bachmann has stepped in front of Sarah Palin as the leading tea party person, leaving Rand Paul to wait and see what his daddy will do... Sarah Palin's star has diminished ever since her piss-poor apology for pointing out Representative Gabrielle Giffords to the lunatic fringe, she's now known as the Qaddafi of the GOP...

While I'm being mean, realize that Ms Giffords has had a massive head trauma, and it will eventually kill her, no matter what her doctors are spinning to the press right now.  It could take some months or longer, but she will have passed within the next seven years. My younger brother was shot in the head by a gang-banger, and that's about how long he lasted, afterwards... I know, she has responded incredibly well to treatment so far, and I pray that her angels will keep on sustaining her, but I've been a little gloomy since facing my own mortality last week, usually keep these kind of predictions to myself, like the that Charlie Sheen will finally purge himself from drugs...

This is one of those stories where you wonder where the authorities have been all along... You are a Chinese illegal immigrant living in the San Gabriel Valley of California. You are also an uneducated enforcer of the local triad, and need to come up with a scam to make money. This being the land of opportunity, instead of leaning on the local businesses in a protection racket, you come up with creating your own U.S. Army/Military Special Forces Reserve, getting over 100 other uneducated Chinese to fork over $300 to join, and $120 annually to re-up... You tell them that it will look favorable when they apply for their US citizenship, and outfit them with uniforms and gear from the army surplus stores. The best part, is that you give them an identification card and tell them that it will get them out of traffic tickets and altercations with the police... Thus, the saga of Yupeng Deng.

Wait, it gets better. At his arraignment, where he was represented by a lawyer named Daniel Deng and who claimed not to be of the same "family" as Yupeng, claimed that the fake army unit was actually: "... set up to help Chinese immigrants assimilate into American society.

“When you apply for American citizenship, you have to show you’re a person of good moral character,” Daniel Deng said. “The group had nothing to do with the military. It was for people who wanted to train to apply for the military.” I expected some more imagination from the gangs in this day and age, not using the same bogus argument that was tried when the the triads first came to America. They changed their name to "tongs" and told the US courts that they were actually benevolent associations set up to help immigrants from the different regions of China, where you could think of each geographic region as a family, and these poor immigrants their children to be looked after. Some gullible white folks even copied this story down into their history books while the "tongs" established themselves in every Chinese neighborhood in America. In this sense, the Supreme Commander Yufeng Deng taught his rag-tag band good moral character, and even got them to march in a few parades during the Fourth of July in Monterey Park...

Whoa! Time to brush off Bill Clinton, we need him to go to North Korea again! That's right, some American Idiot has done and let himself get captured while entering the Forbidden Kingdom. I think he was looking for the Fortress of Political Solitude, but that's just my opinion... US intelligence "sources" said that: "the man was Jun Young-su, a Korean-American businessman in his 60s from Orange County, Calif. Yonhap said Mr. Jun was arrested last November in connection with illegal religious activities in the North. Mr. Jun’s name was also given in the North Korean state agency’s Korean-language dispatches, though not in its reports in English; the other details in the Yonhap report could not immediately be confirmed.

A State Department spokesman, Mark Toner, confirmed on Tuesday that an American was being held by the North, but he and other United States officials declined to name the detainee and offered no personal details, citing privacy rules.

“We would call on the government of North Korea to release this citizen on humanitarian grounds,” Mr. Toner said. “We would ask that they respect and treat this citizen in a manner consistent with international human rights law.”

Uh oh, looks like his id card doesn't work in North Korea, either... Since Mr Jun was caught passing out Bibles, he may not be released as easily as pretty lady journalists or crazy Americans living in the South, looks like this may be a delicate job for Jimmy Carter!!!

And, as luck would have it: "Former President Jimmy Carter is scheduled to travel to North Korea this month, but it was not clear whether he would try to secure the detainee’s release. Mr. Carter has said that his trip will be focused on denuclearization issues. The State Department has stressed that it is a private, unofficial journey. "Mr. Carter will not be “traveling with an official U.S. delegation, and he does not carry an official message,” Mr. Toner said in a briefing three weeks ago." Which is good when you are there to beg for mercy for another man's life... Again. Really, Jimmy is getting too old for this kind of s**t...

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