Sunday, April 24, 2011

The federal elections office has revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in an election in over 20 years...

Nicholas Kristoff
Andy Dehnart
Doyle McManus
"It's possible to still love The Apprentice even if you hate Trump's politics. In Trump's case, he's consistently shown as someone who cannot handle complex thinking, usually deals with evidence delivered secondhand, and always convinces himself that he's right. Which makes him, perhaps, the perfect presidential candidate for the Republican Party." - Andy Dehnart
"It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan 'a con man who couldn't deliver the goods.' Trump also called Abraham Lincoln 'a bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater.'" – Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." – Conan O'Brien

The protests in Yemen may have worked, the current president for life has decided that it was a fun 26 years and now would be a good time to say he will resign. He said 30 days because he hasn't finished transferring his bank accounts to the Cayman Islands and Abu Dhabi yet... Then, he might be counting on the short attention span of his uneducated citizens, who would calm down after 30 days with nothing to protest over. Then, he can show pictures of himself crossing his fingers behind his back while saying, have I ever lied to you?

 The next meeting of the Arab League will certainly be awkward.

The only danger with all of these protests is how addicting it is, being out on the streets with the adrenaline rush from dodging bullets and running from police. As Egypt is finding out, it's easier to tear things apart than it is building them back again... Bashar al-Assad can only hope that he doesn't piss off his citizens enough that they resort to the Ceausescu solution. The story goes that when the Communist dictatorship in Romania fell, the crowd rushed the imperial palace and literally tore Nicolai Ceausescu and his wife limb from limb...

The religious intolerance shown in Iraq, by attacking Christians and making life unpleasant enough that they will leave the country, may end up with more US troops stationed there than originally planned.  The rest will be led by drones down the shining path towards Tripoli, the new bi-polar capital of Libya. God only knows what has happened to Qaddafi's mental stability, if we thought he was eccentric and dingy before, we can hardly wait and see what his first post-protest rally will look like. Thankfully, he has his brutal sons to take over for him, and can keep him locked up and talking to himself like an old Hollywood actress aged past her prime... But what will probably happen is that al Jazeera will sign up the Qaddafi's for a reality television show, Life With Moammar... I know it will be a hit throughout the Middle East, and to attract an American audience we can sign up Ozzy Osborne and Kim Kardashian, or one of their lesser know offspring or siblings, hosted by Donald Trump...

No longer welcome in the state of Florida, and that is saying something, the rag-tag band of super-evangelicals that follow the self-appointed pastor Terry Jones, are migrating through the US, looking for a new home. They hoped to settle in Michigan, because they heard that the godless denizens of Dearborn had adopted Sharia law for their city. Although they come in peace, Pastor Terry brought along his handgun, which he proceeded in blowing a hole through the floor of his car. Terry, try not to fondle things that are fully loaded... I'm not sure where else this roaming hive would be accepted, unless hey converted to Mormonism and found a new home in the Southwest... But then, Glen Beck might need his space to stretch out after he leaves the Fox network... As noted in TPM, the mayor of Dearborn let them know that they still had their strip clubs, bars, and pork sausage factories...

Arizona's John Kyl, now proved to be one of Congress's biggest buffoons, was thoroughly embarrassed after making an incorrect statement about Planned Parenthood and abortion that was written into the Congressional Record. His office later issued a statement that John had not intended for it to be a factual statement, which drew all kinds of hoots and laughter. For example, one Washington blog said: "But I wish Jon Kyl had gone a step farther. If you’re not intending to make a factual statement, why even say something with numbers in it? Go big, or go home, say I! If you don’t even vaguely sort of possibly intend to make a factual statement, the sky is the limit. You could just start reciting the Book of Job. You could say something colorful, like, “Planned Parenthood is responsible for what happened to the unicorns” or just look into the eyes of Congress and murmur, “I love you.”

TPM reported that John then went to the Congressional Record and changed his statement so he wouldn't look so bad and hopefully, thwarting future searches on the Internet. The original statement from Kyl: "If you want an abortion you go to Planned Parenthood and that's well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does."

After Kyl amended his remarks, the congressional record now reads: "If you want an abortion you go to Planned Parenthood and that is what Planned Parenthood does."

Stephen Colbert then started a thread on Twitter, letting his readers come up with bunches of clever Kylisms. Stephen began the fun with this: "Jon Kyl is one of Gaddafi's sexy female ninja guards#notintendedtobeafactualstatement

Here's another bunch sent in:

Jon Kyl is an accomplished nude hula dancer. He is not welcome in Hawaii.

For the past 10 years, Jon Kyl has been two children in a very convincing Jon Kyl suit.

Jon Kyl cheated on Sandra Bullock.

Once a year, Jon Kyl retreats to the Arizona desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand.

Citing religious reasons, Jon Kyl refuses to utter the number 8.

Jon Kyl once ate a badger he hit with his car.

Carly Simon wrote that song about Jon Kyl.

Legally, Jon Kyl cannot be within 100 yards of Helen Mirren.

Jon Kyl has a shrine to Scooter from the Muppet Show.

Jon Kyl developed his own line of hair care products just so he could test them on bunnies.

Jon Kyl was sent from the future to kill Sarah Conner.

And at the Daily Kos, they used some Republican catchphrases that are also not intended to be factual statements:

"Tax Cuts Pay for Themselves."

"The Estate Tax Destroys Family Farms and Small Businesses."

"Death Panels."

"A Government Takeover of Health Care."

"No American is Denied Health Care."

"The Health Care Law Adds to the Deficit."

"Barack Obama Was Not Born in the United States."

"Barack Obama is a Muslim."

"Public Employees Are Overpaid."

"We Went to War [with Iraq] Because We Were Attacked."

"Abortion Causes Cancer and Psychological Trauma for Women."

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