Dana Milbank
Robert Gates
Paul Krugman
Boy, have I had the flu. Swine or not, I lost 19 lbs in 6 days, and I still can't hold down solid food, which worries me the mot. I wish I could say that I watched the Sonia Sotomayor hearings like I planned, but ended up sleeping instead. So much for keeping my thumb on the pulse of the nation and all that... even the edited versions presented by MSNBC and CNN were good to look at how Congressional hearings are held, and to realize they are so far divorced from reality. I don't know if this is a good kind of democracy we want others to emulate...
It's pretty clear that Jeff Sessions from Alabama is the love child of Norman Bates and Truman Capote. I'd love to see a biography
on what closeted family handed all of this privilege to him because it's clear he doesn't have the mental capacity to do it on his own, the rascist bastard. And Senator Lindsey Graham is one weird chap, it seems that when he says "I like you," you had better be prepared for some downright evil swill to come spewing out next.
late night jokes:
"Sonia Sotomayor in the news. She's testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. And she has said that she 'felt out of place attending Princeton.' Sotomayor says there were so many white males in Princeton, she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee." --Conan O'Brien
"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it 'Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones." --Conan O'Brien
"This is weird. In a recent interview, Levi Johnston said that Sarah Palin could never handle the responsibility of being president. Then he said, 'Oh, hell, where did I leave that baby?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Have you been watching the confirmation hearings going on down there in Washington, D.C.? Sonia Sotomayor, the hearings, have you been watching those? Good news, the FDA has just approved a new, non-drowsy version of Senator Orrin Hatch. Boy, do we need it now!" --David Letterman
"Folks see the All-Star Game last night, the baseball All-Star Game? Whew! I thought this was exciting. President Obama threw out the first pitch. Did you see that? Because they were playing in St. Louis at a National League park, he also had to bat. Were you aware of that?" --David Letterman
"But he admitted today that after throwing out the first pitch, his arm was a little sore. And today, Rush Limbaugh offered him some OxyContin." --David Letterman
"I thought it was fascinating how the New York papers covered the All-Star Game and Obama throwing out the first pitch. New York Times said that Obama threw a perfect strike. Daily News said he threw a ball. The New York Post said he was making out with Kate Hudson." --David Letterman
"How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad." --David Letterman
"Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Obama administration is considering replacing the color-coded terror alert system. Yeah. They're not sure what they're going to replace it. But anything where you spend ten minutes at the airport going, 'Wait. Is the orange bad or is the orange good?' 'Well oranges are good.' 'I don't like oranges.' 'What do you mean you don't like oranges?' 'I don't like them. I never liked them.' 'You don't like clementines?' 'What are clementines?' 'They're like tangerines or something.' 'No, tangerines are tangerines. What is a clementine?' 'I don't know, oh wait we missed our flight.' Terrorists! Terrorists, they do this to us." --Jimmy Fallon
"This weekend is the 10th anniversary of 'SpongeBob SquarePants.' President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff, annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden." --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at the baseball All-Star Game last night. And I know the President is busy, but he really needs a personal shopper. Once again, Obama appeared in public in a pair of heavily starched, stonewashed jeans with a big crease down the front of them, as if his mom had ironed them or something." --Jimmy Kimmel
When the hot poker of lost liberty and oppressive socialism gets shoved up your ass, will you still be quoting Letterman and blaming it on Bush?
ReplyDeleteAn interesting use of language, one that a wise, old white man interpret: have you been going to the potty enough, young man? Your colon must be backed up pretty badly to use such violent metaphors like hot pokers. If you can't adjust it by drinking enough water or adding fiber, please see a doctor because it will inhibit the way you see the world.
ReplyDeleteIt's always good to have a joke for the next time Jeff Sessions asks us out onto the Appalachian Trail, you can bow out politely. I don't blame it all on Bush, I blame it on everyone...