Gitmo Controversy Solved Right Here Right Now...

Khalil Shikaki
E J Dionne
Douglas Feith
Karl Rove

"This facility houses not only drug kingpins, serial murderers and gang leaders, but also terrorists who have already been convicted of crimes in this country" - Diane Feinstein

"Military detainees should not be transported to and held at Supermax because it is not a military facility" - Michael Bennet

"The closure of Guantanamo should not be included in this bill without a detailed plan from the administration on how to deal with the remaining detainees." - Mark Udall

The most entertaining debate made its way to the floor of Congress yesterday, with all of the appropriate backbiting, lying, fearmongering, and rejection of Obama policy over the closing of Guantanamo. From the Denver Post: "The Senate on Wednesday resoundingly rejected an effort to spend $80 million to close the Guantanamo Bay prison and relocate the terrorism suspects, possibly to U.S. prisons.

Considered a setback for President Barack Obama and his pledge to close the prison by January, the vote ended a day of crossed signals and Democratic infighting. The future of the detention facility at the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, has Democrats increasingly on the defensive over the fates of the 240 terrorism suspects detained there."

So, all of the Democratic Senators claiming that they got Obama's back were really trying to position themselves to stab him in the back. Et Tu, Harry? Republicans had been promoting fearmongering for awhile, saying that people don't want super evil terrorists to mix with the local prison populations, because look at how many we already let go, how many went back home and rejoined their local jihad militia. The guess is 1 in 7... It's not enough that we incarcerate more Americans than almost every other country on the planet, but now we want to keep our Black men from coming into contact with Islamic extremists because we fear they will all convert? Oh, the White Man's Horror...

My local Representative, a mindless, old-school Republican pawn, argued that: "The point is, no American community, large or small, should have to house the most dangerous people on the face of the planet, terrorists who will stop at nothing to kill any and all Americans they can." The 'supermax' facility in Florence, Colorado is in his District.

Today Obama countered by saying: "Nobody has ever escaped from one of our `supermax' prisons which hold hundreds of convicted terrorists." In fact, today President Obama spoke trying to relieve those trumpted-up fears while Dick Cheney spoke across town how he had no regrets and would do it all over again in a heartbeat, if he had a heart...

See, they are all going about this the wrong way. Instead of rejecting the terrorists, we should be embracing them. Just like accepting gays is good for the local economy, so is accepting the terrorists into our jails. Our local sheriff has been trying to convince the Feds to let him house some Federal convicts because the Feds pay more per convict, and he would be making a profit off of them. By embracing and accepting the terrorists, we can get maximum dollar per jihadist, almost naming our own fee, and making an even more amount of profit. Why, we could even let more marijuana users go free to make some more room...

Colorado Springs is home to a large Christian evangelical movement. Instead of having their members accost our children as they get out of school each day, we can have them try to convert each terrorist to Christianity! I bet they would pay for the privilege to give away some Bibles to people who can't argue with them, sitting around in chains all day... Ted Haggard is planning on starting up a new church this summer, what a wonderful place for him to begin, in our jails? We can plan socials, community events, guest lectures, the possibilities are endless as we use our terrorists to generate revenue. Instead of having candle-light vigils outside of abortion clinics, our over-idealistic protestors could hold them outside each jail facility until every last terrorist is converted. Once again, a win/win situation. And I can sell more bumper stickers like this:

Have You Converted Your Terrorist Lately?

or

Were We Safer Under Bush? Who Cares!

late night jokes (as if we need them):

"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, there was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them -- it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tell Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Hey, speaking of movies, Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne film coming out. I guess he's a CIA agent who tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. Yeah, but see, in this one, she's the one that gets amnesia. That's the twist." --Jay Leno

"I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation's top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn't have insurance!" --Jay Leno

"The economy is bad. Dick Cheney was hanging people by their ankles just to catch the change that fell out of their pockets. That's how bad." --Jay Leno

"Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record." --Jay Leno

"A new survey by the Pew Research Center shows that the happiest people tend to be older, male and Republican. Two words for you, Dick Cheney. Okay? Realize, he's peaking. This is happiest he's ever going to be now." --Jay Leno

"Now, oh, you know what NASA is up to? You remember the Hubble Space Telescope. They're repairing it. The NASA astronauts went up there and they're doing a lot of work. Having some trouble. Because it's difficult. Everything is more difficult in space. You know that, right? Yeah. And they're having trouble. And I said, 'Well, no surprise to me that they're having trouble making these repairs. After all, these people aren't exactly rocket scientists.'" --David Letterman

"You know Vice President Joe Biden? Now they're saying that he apparently had a couple of drinks and he was shooting his mouth off. And he announced the location of Vice President Dick Cheney -- the old Vice President -- his hiding place. And Joe Biden says, 'Well, I know where the heck it is. He had, like, a bunker under his house.' And I was thinking if you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal a secret about where bin Laden is hiding." --David Letterman

"If you're planning to be in Toronto next week, there's going to be a great event. Former President Clinton and former President George W. Bush are going to be debating in Toronto. I mean, believe me, there's nothing more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count. Whoa! Cut me a slice of that. People are saying, 'Well, what's the point?' You know, the former presidents debating. I don't know about Clinton but for George W. Bush, it's understandable. I mean, you just can't keep a natural debater like this guy out of the game." --David Letterman

"Speaking of Bill Clinton, by the way, he's been appointed envoy to Haiti. At least that's what he's telling Hillary." --David Letterman

"Nation, you know I miss the Bush administration. At least with those guys, you knew where you stood, which was occasionally on a box while holding electrodes. That's why I was glad to see former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ... featured in the latest issue of GQ. Apparently, they gave George Clooney the month off. The story is that during the Iraq war, Rumsfeld's briefings to President Bush had cover pages featuring war photography and passages from the Bible. Because obviously, briefings about a war you just launched are a snooze unless you add a little pizzazz. So they added quotes like this one from Isaiah, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Of course, the answer was, 'The same soldiers, over and over again.' Then there's this one from Ephesians, 'Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground.' See, Rumsfeld knew the troops already had the full armor of God, so they didn't need the full armor of actual armor. These cover pages should surprise no one. Bush and Rumsfeld are men of faith. In fact, they considered changing the Pentagon into the Jesus fish [on screen: a photo of a 'building' shaped like the Jesus fish]." --Stephen Colbert