Axle of Evil Squeaking Loudly

Kathleen Parker
Joe Conason

With Monday's test by North Korea, the United States can no longer pretend that the country is not a nuclear power. It is from this position of power that Dear Leader Kim Jong-il is sending a message that he wants to negotiate with the US one-on-one. At the same time, he's looking after his own succession. - Donald Kirk

Despite widespread condemnation of North Korea's nuclear test by the world's major powers, there is nothing they can do to stop Pyongyang's nuclear weapons program. The bigger question is whether South Korea and Japan will decide to go nuclear - a move that would undermine the influence of the United States and China in Northeast Asia. - Santaro Rey

North Korea's recent nuclear declaration is fully in line with Kim Jong-il's "military first" policy, giving priority to military development. The army has accumulated more power and even supersedes the ruling Korean Workers Party. Kim depends on the military for his rule, and giving up nukes could jeopardize his grip on power. - Yoel Sano

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il is a big fan of Hollywood movies. So, just as former Soviet leader Nikita Khruschchev loved Disneyland, maybe a trip for Kim to Tinsel Town, even a screen test, could be just the thing to ease US-North Korea political tensions. The nuke crisis could be an opportunity in disguise. - John Scherb




Welcome back to the early 1950's, when we built bomb shelters in our backyards and at school had bomb drills where you had to get under your desk and cover your neck with your hands for protection... The NY Times is reporting that North Korea is threatening to invade South Korea: "North Korea, facing international censure for this week's nuclear test, threatened on Wednesday to attack the South after it joined a U.S.-led plan to check vessels suspected of carrying equipment for weapons of mass destruction.

In Moscow, news agencies quoted an official as saying that Russia is taking precautionary security measures because it fears mounting tensions over the test could escalate to war.

Adding to mounting tension in the region, South Korean media reported that Pyongyang had restarted a plant that makes plutonium that can be used in nuclear bombs... The North's next step may to be resume operations at all of Yongbyon, with experts saying it could take the North up to a year to reverse disablement steps. Once running, it can produce enough plutonium to make one bomb a year.

The hermit state has also threatened to launch a long-range ballistic missile if the Security Council does not apologise for tightening sanctions to punish it for an April launch widely seen as a missile test that violated U.N. measures."

Threatening us to get our attention, where have I seen this before? So, who can go in and talk sense to the little buggers? We've been trying to figure out what to do with North Korea for 60 years, and they keep producing these strange, inadequate, paranoid leaders. What can we threaten them with? Anybody even seen or talked to Kim Jong Il? As pointed out in another piece in the NY Times, that also is a problem: "In dealing with North Korea, American officials are reduced to studying two-month-old photographs of its reclusive leader, Kim Jong-il, to calculate how long he is likely to live. The new administration’s North Korea team includes a special emissary who works part time as an academic dean and a State Department official who has yet to be confirmed by Congress.

And as President Obama tries to find a way to punish North Korea for its latest nuclear test and missile launchings, his senior aides acknowledge that every policy option employed by previous presidents over the past dozen years — whether hard or soft, political or economic — has been fruitless in stopping North Korea from building a nuclear weapon.

For a lengthy response to what we should do now, Foreign Policy magazine has a few ideas: "I think the Obama administration has come up with a novel way of dealing with the North Koreans -- get everyone to talk about something else.

Half-seriously, this is not a bad idea, because I'm not sure that anything else is going to work better (beyond my modest Britney Spears proposal). For this decade, the following facts have held:

1) North Korea wants to be able to trade its nuclear program for security guarantees and cash -- and then be able to do it again a few years later.
2) The leadership in Pyongyang is perfectly willing to starve its own population rather than concede a smidgen of autonomy.
3) No one is entirely sure about the internal politics of the DPRK elite. This includes China, by the way.
4) None of the actors in the region want North Korea to collapse. China and Russia likes the buffer, Seoul doesn't want to pony up the cash for reunification, and Japan (and China) doesn't want a unified Korean peninsula.
5) None of the actors in the region really want North Korea to proliferate either, but that's less important than a collapsing North Korea. Proliferation is Somebody Else's Problem -- i.e., the Middle East rather than Northeast Asia.

So, oddly enough, the ideal short-term solution for the region is for the continued existence of the DPRK regime, the absence of any new nuclear activity, and some kid of "strategic ambiguity" regarding North Korea's nuclear status.
The alternatives to the repeated short-term carrot strategy are even less appealing. There is no viable military option unless everyone is comfortable with the destruction of Seoul; there is no viable sanctions option unless China decides to cut off the energy tap, and they'll only do this if they're sure it won't lead to a stream of North Korea refugees entering Manchuria.

I think the best way to defuse the situation is to have a special envoy like Pam Anderson or Stormy Daniels go and talk to the Dear Leader, with special cameos by Madonna and Britney Spears, and we'll get him to agree to anything we want. Why yes, we do take you seriously...

late night jokes:

"There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday." --Bill Maher

"The other day George Bush gave a speech at a graduating high school class. He wondered why they didn't give him an honorary degree, but that's another story. It's interesting, he said he finds not being president liberating. Agreed." --Bill Maher

"He told the kids it's interesting the way life turns out, and now he finds himself walking the dog and picking up poop. Finally, something he can actually find. He couldn't find Osama, he couldn't find the weapons of mass destruction. If only we'd be attacked by dog s**t, we'd be OK." –Bill Maher

"Oh, poor George Bush, picking up after some unthinking creature's mess. Well, now he knows how Obama feels." --Bill Maher

"They put a provision in the credit card bill to let people carry guns in national parks. So when you're buried under a mountain of debt, at least you have a scenic place to go kill yourself." --Bill Maher

"Nobody knows debt like California. We had a special election, and they rejected all the proposals Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested to save the state from going under. Very bad day for him. He said he has not been this humiliated since the '80s when he took an acting class." --Bill Maher

"We're $26 billion in the hole. I don't want to say it's bad, but today Mexico announced they're building a border fence." --Bill Maher

"Happy Memorial Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. And tomorrow, surprisingly, some of them may actually reopen." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been going at each other all week. This is like big-time wrestling, isn't it? Man, it's like charisma versus arrhythmia." --Jay Leno

"I can't believe Dick Cheney keeps giving speech. He's appearing on TV news shows. It's like he thinks he is still president, you know?" --Jay Leno

"Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the CIA lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided." --Jay Leno

"North Korea tested a nuclear bomb today. I don't want to say this is a big deal, but it actually knocked 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' right off the front page." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden's former cook -- I believe his name was Goatgang Puck if I'm not mistaken -- is coming to New York to face charges. You know, we also got his driver. And here's the good news. I understand we're closing in on his pool boy and his aroma therapist. Yeah, we are closing the net." --Jay Leno

"After a report that he called for shutting down Facebook in his country, the president of Iran, Mahmoud I'manutjob -- is that how you say his name? Ahmadinejad. He's now denying he ordered a ban on Facebook. He said, no, he did not. You know? That shows you the real power in the world is these days. Here's a guy calling for the destruction of Israel, openly supports terrorism, denied the Holocaust, and then he's accused of shutting down Facebook. 'Nuh-uh! No way, not me.'" --Jay Leno

"The mayor of San Angelo, Texas, has quit because he fell in love with a Mexican man who does not have legal status in the United States. It got a little awkward when they were first going out. Like the mayor would pick him up for a date and the guy would jump in the trunk." --Jay Leno

"And researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis said getting herpes can give protection and prevent bubonic plague. Let me tell you something, okay? If you're dating people who have herpes and bubonic plague, you might get a refund from your online dating service." --Jay Leno

"A new pentagon report says that 1 in 7 inmates released from Guantanamo Bay has gone back to terrorism. Surprisingly, the other 6 are working in customer service." --Jay Leno

"According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular girls name in America right now is Emma. The least popular girls name: Pelosi." –Jay Leno

"Have you heard about North Korea? They've detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers." --Jimmy Fallon

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first." --Jimmy Fallon

"Honolulu just conducted our nation's first all-digital election. This is so cool. No voting booths, people cast their votes online or by phone. Everyone here at 'Late Night' would like to congratulate Honolulu's new mayor, a piano playing cat." --Jimmy Fallon

"Ex-Secretary of State Colin Powell went on CBS to reaffirm that he's still a Republican. And just to prove it, he promised to lose an election right there on the show." --Jimmy Fallon