I Guess Pigs Do Fly, Rape Locally

Paul Krugman
Jimmy Carter
Mikhail Gorbechev

"This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I'm sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize." --Bill Maher

Confirmed cases

As of Sunday, officials had confirmed 20 cases of a new A(H1N1) swine flu virus in the United States, including eight New York City high school students. Six cases were identified in Canada — all linked to travel in Mexico. While only a handful of swine flu cases in Mexico have been confirmed, officials say there are at least 1,400 suspected infections and at least 86 suspected deaths. There are even cases confirmed in New Zealand...(Source:NY Times) The incidents are spread out so widely that you might think the infected swine could fly, or that the flu got caught in the slipstream, or someone was putting lipstick on Petunia and giving her a big, wet one... Thank God you can't get it from barbecue, or we'd all be dead...

Over the weekend much time and analysis was made over President Obama's first 100 days in office. Damn, the man was busy... An ABC poll came out showing him with a 65% approval rating, I think people like it that he has taken a strong stand towards the economy, among other things. Only time will tell if he is successful or not, and for our sake, I hope he is. I get tired of the nattering nabobs of negativity that has become the GOP. Time for the old elephants to shut up and lumber off towards the graveyard... Or, as I heard one Republican pundit remark on the tube about the poll: here I am a Republican in a two party system, and my party came in third...

Other than Meghan McCaine, there aren't any other young conservatives harmonizing the airwaves. Most of our local kids are clones of their parents, who are pod people mimicking the latest distributed talking points. My local newspaper publishes one young organizer, but he needs to go back and take English 1B and learn how to write an essay...

Meanwhile the torture debates go endlessly on. We have stopped practicing the "enhanced interrogation techniques" so the discussion is over. OK, put a couple of judges and lawyers in jail; I know that will make me happier. And the Swat Valley Talibans are scoffing at whatever agreement they made yesterday... I just know there is a Monty Python skit there, but it's unfortunate that real innocent lives are at stake here.

The is one thing that Colorado can be proud of: we have the highest amount of wildlife strikes at Denver International Airport, the highest reported statistic in the country. As reported in both the Denver Post and Christian Science Monitor: "Denver International, Colorado, 2,416 reported incidents.

Kendra Cross, the U.S. Department of Agriculture biologist who manages wildlife at DIA, told the Denver Post that the airport is more susceptible to bird and wildlife strikes because it covers more land than any other airport in the nation — 49,000 acres. It’s the fifth-busiest airport in the country. Geography also plays a role. DIA isn’t an urban airport — “We’re situated right in the middle of an agricultural area,” Cross said.

Locally, we have had a 30% rise in reported rapes. A lot of it from Fort Carson. So, not only do we have to worry about dealing with the anger, fear, and suicidal feelings of our returning vets, now we have to throw sexual predation into the mix. Hopefully, raping women then killing them afterwards isn't a habit picked up in Iraq...having these boys recruited by American Nazi hate militias is the least of our worries. From the Colorado Springs Gazette: "Last year, police tallied 338 rape complaints in Colorado Springs, a 30 percent spike from three years ago and the highest toll in at least a decade.

With 12 detectives and four nonsworn investigators who assist police, each detective in the sex crimes unit oversees an estimated 20 investigations at a time, police said, leading to tough decisions about how quickly new complaints are examined by detectives and how much attention they receive.

"Not every case that comes into my office gets assigned, and I have to make some of those decisions," Sgt. Hugh Velasquez said.

Rape victims in Colorado Springs wait an average of two weeks before detectives are available to speak with them, police said. Victims advocates say it can be much longer: between four and six weeks." With the budget cuts, expect less resolution rates and longer times until the police come and take a report. Vigilantes, anyone? Or maybe we can create our own patriotic militia to counter all of this rising crime...

Late night political jokes:

"Yesterday President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard." --Bill Maher

"Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, 'If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now.'" --Bill Maher

"Are you ready for the next outbreak that isn't really going to happen, but sounds really scary, so the media's freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I'm sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize." --Bill Maher

"Of course, the really big news is what's going on in Washington, and Obama opening the door, now, to prosecuting former Bush officials about torture, or, as they call it, severe interrogation procedures, which include waterboarding, sleep deprivation, forced nudity. We have outlawed all of these practices, although they are still challenges on 'The Love of Ray-J,' which is a television show." --Bill Maher

"It's interesting how the progression changes with the Republicans. First, when they talked about torture, it was, 'Well, there's just a few bad apples.' Then it was, 'Okay, we did it a couple of times.' Then it was not really torture, and now, it works." --Bill Maher

"They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed -- and by the way, if there's anyone who deserved it, it was him -- but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherf**ker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. 'Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'" --Bill Maher

"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it -- 'Alienated vs. Predator.'" --Craig Ferguson

"It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman." --Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday was 'Take Your Kid to Work Day.' It used to be 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – 'Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.' This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending. He’s proposing a new budget '' $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles." --Jimmy Fallon

"Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout." --David Letterman

"Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since 'The View.'" --David Letterman

"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman