Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Two Mahmouds, US Boring Protests, Ted Haggard To Swap With Gary Busey

Ehud Olmert
Nicholas Kristoff
Dana Milbank
"Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something." – Jay Leno
"World leaders are here for the U.N. General Assembly. Today Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad went up to Central Park and arrested hikers. The Italian Prime Minister is also here. So good luck getting a hooker." – David Letterman
"Nobody likes hiking more than I do, but it seems to me that if you have an atlas, you can find many places to go hiking – that aren't Iraq or Korea." – David Letterman

"All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more." – David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Items On The United Nations General Assembly Agenda"

10. Screw with the Swedes
9. Recap highlights from last night's 'Two and a Half Men'
8. Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens
7. Pass resolution that Steve Carell 'was robbed' at the Emmys
6. Gently break it to the Russians that they've been writing their Rs backwards all these years
5. Finally nail down which one's Uruguay and which one's Paraguay
4. Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called 'Two Broke Countries'
3. Do whatever China says
2. Congratulate whatever country came up with the 'Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' books, because those were awesome
1. Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa

Two things that happen every year that are as predictable as a tsunami hitting Japan: South Korean students rioting and the US walking out of Ahmadinejad's speech at the UN. Unfortunately, he mixes up crazy theories with the good ones, from the NY Times: "Iran’s president delivered a bombastic anti-Western tirade at his General Assembly speech on Thursday, blaming the United States, Israel and Europe for the global recession and a litany of other ills. The speech provoked what has become a ritual large-scale walkout of delegations led by the United States.

The president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said poverty, homelessness and denial of basic rights were traceable to “greed for materialism in the United States and Europe.” The US and Europe, just about any country that had investments with AIG or Goldman Sachs, pretty much is responsible for the global recession. Poverty, homelessness, and denial of basic rights can be attributed to "greed for materialism." In Iran, poverty, homelessness, and denial of basic rights can be traced to conservative clerics and the Republican Guards... The American delegation and their friends showed how unimaginative they are by walking out. they could have stayed and thrown their shoes. They could have snuck up on Ahmadinejad and given him a cream pie in the face. They could have brought their boomboxes and blasted Aerosmith and Van Halen over and over again... if it was good enough to torture Noriega, it's good enough for Iran.

Someone needs to sponsor Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Benjamin Netanyahu, take them to Disneyland. Let them ride together on a few rollercoasters and other rides, next thing you know they are BFF's, buying each other hot dogs and cotton candy. We could also invite the loneliest man in the Middle East, Mahmoud Abbas, to make it an axis of evil... Disneyland is the one thing that all lost little boys and dictators yearn for, from Kruschev on through Qaddafi. In fact, that is probably where the US went wrong in the Palestinian peace process; we didn't offer to hold the talks at Disneyland. Now it is too late, and those grumpy old men are going to try and embarrass us in front of the rest of the world by asking to be recognized as a state, which should have been done in 1948...

Tonight is yet another Republican debate, this time its broadcast from Florida. In addition to gang-jumping on Willard Romney, they will announce that Meg Whitman will take over as CEO at Hewlett-Packard. The decision proves how dysfunctional the HP board of directors really is, because Meg won't do much better than Carly Fiorina did, it's some weird game of one-upmanship among the West Coast conservatives... Hoping to dilute both Rick Perry's and Michele Bachmann's appeal, Mr Romney suggested that it would be exciting if Sarah Palin joined the race. He figures that he'd have a better chance against her, with two books out now that are critical of her career and family. I'm sure that someone is writing something about Rick and Michele, but so far the hit pieces have all been shorter, magazine length articles. I guess their lives aren't long and eventful enough for a book yet... I enjoy these debates because you never know what Ron Paul is going to say, too bad we couldn't add his son as an honorary debater... The debates need to add Louisiana's Buddy Roehmer, who also is a candidate, and maybe those 13 other Texans that filed their papers as candidates, whoever they are...

I still can't believe this is true: our own Ted Haggard is filming a reality television session of Wife Swap, with Gary Busey, as reported in Reuters: "Disgraced pastor Ted Haggard and actor Gary Busey will trade partners in an upcoming episode of "Celebrity Wife Swap," a spokeswoman for the show said on Thursday.

Haggard's participation in the episode comes five years after a stunning fall from grace for the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals. He was exiled from the Colorado-based New Life mega-church he founded after admitting "sexual immorality" and buying methamphetamines from a male masseur.

The air date for the episode on ABC starring Haggard and Busey has not been determined, but the two men will swap partners, said Brooke Fisher, a spokeswoman for the show.

Haggard's wife Gayle has written a book about her husband's gay sex scandal titled "Why I Stayed." Busey's longtime girlfriend is actress Steffanie Sampson, and while the two are not married they have a son together who was born last year.

Busey is best known for starring in 1978 film "The Buddy Holly Story" and he also recently had a recurring role on the HBO television show "Entourage." Apparently, Mr Busey is also a lay pastor with Promise Keepers, so the show felt that they were evenly matched on the spiritual level, if not the craziness dept. Comments to the article mainly asked why Mr Haggard's wife stays with him since he seems to hate her so... Anyway, this will certainly piss of the super conservative evangelists here in town; I know that my local paper has already written a couple of opinion pieces against it and published a score of mean spirited letters. As they say, it's must see TV...

Back to Iran, at least they finally released those stupid hikers, after receiving a million dollars in ransom. They were flown to Oman, where their friends and family were waiting. I wonder how much of the proceeds from the book they will write will go to the government of Oman as payback? Someone in our state department owes them, bigtime.

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