"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." – Conan O'Brien
"The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction." – David Letterman
"Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another 5 years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs." – Stephen Colbert
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways The United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around"
10. Change name to UPS
9. Invent a stamp that licks back
8. Add wacky sound effects for mailboxes
7. Alter mail trucks to look like Millennium Falcon from 'Star Wars'
6. If your letter isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less, it's free
5. Bedazzled uniforms
4. New hit reality show: 'Real Mailmen of New Jersey'
3. Customers can now pay with gas or grass
2. Take the Packers and give three and a half tomorrow night
1. Ten cent surcharge to deliver my hate mail — you'll make millions
“I kind of feel like a piñata here at the party."
The weeks dramatic events are over, and my sense of cynicism for the political process is still intact. The Republican candidates debate yesterday did not inspire. There were more fakes and dodging answering questions than the Packer's running backs and wide receivers, even from the so-called straight shooter, Ron Paul. From now on, the debates should be conducted by the reporters from Univision, who care about getting an actual answer from the two-faced SOB's on stage. To get rid of the stupid and softball questions, we should start including a mixture of professionals from different fields. Instead of letting economic issues be summarized as: more tax cuts will solve everything, why not have an economist like Paul Krugman or Bruce Bartlett probe Mit's or Michele's policies and plans...
The consensus among the press and pundits is that Mit Romney and Rick Perry have emerged as the front-runners, and the rest are a bunch of whiny losers. But if either one becomes the Republican candidate, it will gurantee that Barack Obama will win re-election. The ugly truth is that Mit won't win because he is a Mormon. Despite the large amount of "I Am A Mormon" propaganda being put out, if Mormonism is scrutinized on the national level, folks will find out what a crock of crazy fiction that old con man Joseph smith assembled... Rick Perry, who used to be a Democrat, is unbelievable as a tea party fanatic, so he is an opportunist. He is the reason that Texas may swing Democratic in the next election, or so my family members from Austin tell me...
One of the highlights for me was when Michele Bachmann claimed that she could bring gasoline prices down to $2 per gallon. I guess she's become a tea party socialist, because the only way a president can affect gas prices is to socialize all of the oil companies. Rick and Mit will grant many more offshore drilling permits, but that just allows the oil companies to bring more oil to be sold on the world market, we don't even get to bid first. There hasn't been a new oil refinery built in the US in over 20 years, and we are running at 3/4 capacity. The ability to refine oil into gas has nothing to do with the price you pay at the pump. If it were, prices should have gone down to 35 cents per gallon, not well over $3...
The GOP was wise enough to not schedule a rebuttal after Obama's speech on job creation policies, but they did let individual congressmen grouse and bitch and moan. They have a negative enough image as the party that doesn't care about the middle class and poor folks, purposely letting our economy sink into another depression for the sake of trying to win another election. Besides, no-one has successfully described how a tax cut can create more jobs, unless you are dealing with imaginary numbers, where two negatives create a positive... Since half of Obama's jobs plan consists of ideas that are Republican retreads, it's safe to say that something will get passed before the end of the year. If Obama was really serious beyond using this evening for a re-election speech, he should have had legislation ready to go, that would be introduced in Congress tomorrow morning, to show that he is really a decision maker... The only thing that could ruin Obama's re-election is if there weren't any jobs created during the next few months and we sink back into a recession, like the rest of the world...