Monday, February 28, 2011

CIA Hires al Qaeda As Mercenaries, Colorado #1 In Child Abuse

Paul Krugman

"At the state and local level, however, there’s no doubt about it: big spending cuts are coming... And who will bear the brunt of these cuts? America’s children." - Paul Krugman

This morning it was officially announced that the CIA has hired al Qaeda to act as mercenaries in the Middle East. CIA director Leon Panetta said that since the contract was classified he couldn't give any specifics, but it made more sense than hiring American mercenaries, who didn't speak the language or know the customs of the host countries, and the Americans tended to offend and alienate the natives whenever they shot and killed someone.

An imaginary CIA case officer spoke from the bin Laden Beach Headquarters in Gaddani Beach, Pakistan, where they have been keeping Osama bin Laden stashed away: "Finally, it makes perfect sense. Besides, we've been shoving mojitos down this guy like he was some seven foot tall diabetic, you know? "

A spokesman for al Qaeda said that now they could be assured of a regular paycheck, and that many warriors are heading to Tripoli for their first official covert operation. " Besides," he said, "This way the American military is also guaranteed jobs and an enemy who won't go away. For us, we can now market and franchise our brand."

In addition to the Spring catalogue of jihadi wear featuring the latest in suicide vest fashions, al Qaeda will put out a philosophical magazine entitled The Jihad Quarterly, and sponsor an academic chair of jihad at Beirut University. "We won't stop until we can bring our guns into the American election boxes, and run a jihadi candidate next to the tea party..." The same imaginary spokesman said while lighting up a Cuban cigar. "Too bad your country still embargoes these bad boys." he scoffed.

It never fails, whenever Colorado makes the national news, it's always something embarrassing that I have to explain to my friends back in California. Today there were separate articles in the Denver Post that illustrate how the economic bad times are affecting people's behavior. The first, is that the number of robberies of pharmacies has risen dramatically, mostly stealing painkillers. In fact, many pharmacies no longer deal in narcotics and often put up signs saying that they don't keep any oxycontin and please go rob somewhere else.

And I will link it to the new fact that Colorado now houses the most amount of abused children than any other state in the US. On detractor said that that the reason the numbers are higher is because of the new training methods that are being used to detect and deal with abuse. Other state officials wonder what other factors might be attracting an unusual high number of abusive parents, like the cheap meth labs that have been springing up, trying to keep up with the medical marijuana industry... Or maybe there is a diaspora out of the deep South heading for John Denver country, or maybe it's the success of Dog the Bounty Hunter that's made Bobby Brown a rock star and every petty criminal wants him to chase their dumbass down... Or maybe people are flocking to the megachurches where they still have anti-gay restrictions, the parents are naturally repressed individuals who take it out on their children since no adult will bother to listen to them...

The price of food continues to climb upwards along with the jobless rate. With more teachers being laid off with the policemen, our town may soon resemble an evangelical wild, wild west. We have sold off our police helicopters, let the grass die off in the parks, and turn the street lights out at night; we're not sure what more we can do to stem the tide or change the additional millions we will have to cut from our budget this year and next. Will I vote for my local block of tea party candidates this next election even if I think their ideas juvenile? What happens when we get caught between that rock and the hard place, and our choices are The Good, The Bad, and Doug Bruce?

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