World Cup Crime, The New Russian Spy Game, Dick Armey And The Mole People

Kathleen Parker
John Avlon

"If Bill Clinton was our first black president, as Toni Morrison once proclaimed, then Barack Obama may be our first woman president." - Kathleen Parker

"The Supreme Court’s Second Amendment ruling is yet another reminder: Obama is not, in fact, coming for your guns." - John Avlon

"So hot down in Washington, D.C., today that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate." – David Letterman

We begin today with the latest crime statistics from South Africa, where crooks from all over the world have come to get caught and put in jail, courtesy of Barry Bearack and the NY Times: "So far 316 people have been arrested for crimes related to the World Cup soccer tournament, the national police commissioner, Bheki Cele, said Tuesday. A total of 109 were foreign citizens, including 11 Ethiopians, 9 Algerians, 8 Britons, and 6 suspects each from Mozambique, Pakistan, the United States and Zimbabwe. “It’s the United Nations of crime,” Mr. Cele joked. He said seven trophy replicas, two jerseys and four Adidas bags were stolen from FIFA headquarters in Johannesburg." Earlier, there were reports of trafficking of children into south Africa, where about 20 children were found hidden in boxes on a truck at the Mozambique border, but that apparently is an urban myth made up by someone wanting a reporter's tag. Neither countries can find any reports of such a thing happening...

A new game has been created, naming your favorite all-star Russian spy team. These would be the people that you think that Russia should have recruited, instead of the people they did. An example of this comes from an article in the Daily Beast, by conservative Reiham Salam, who's choices are pretty pedestrian and lame that he might be one of my choices. Anyone can choose Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, but that's like making Wally and the Beav into Russian spies.

If you stop and think about it, who has been trying to stir up the rabble the most, by constantly trying to humiliate our President and people in Congress? Who has gone on public radio airwaves saying that he hopes that Barack Obama fails? Who has made statements against homosexuals and yet hired Elton John to play at his wedding? That's right, America's biggest hypocrite, Rush Limbaugh, is also Russia's biggest in-your-face secret asset, probably chosen in person by Putin himself. I would bring up Glenn Beck but he's too enamored with Nazi paraphernalia to be comfortable...

Another person leaps to my mind, is Dick Armey, the self-proclaimed leader of the tea party movement. Secretly backing organizations and web sites that foments treason among our senior citizens, yet cloaking its poisonous thought in patriotic paranoid paragraphs, Armey is the perfect candidate to be financially backed by the Kremlin. To be honest, Dick physically looks more like one of the Mole People than a Russian spy, but I thought that Superman took care of them years ago on his television show... do the mole people come from Molaria?

Which brings me to my point, if I had one. There maybe many other bands of sleeper cells sponsored by many other countries here, the Jewish Defense League immediately is suspect to me, but it's clear that the current group of Russian spies was put together by someone who read far too many comic books in their youth and watched old re-runs of British shows starring Patrick McGoohan. Already we have had too many references to the rot in suburbia linked by David Lynch characters to be comfortable. Other than having 11 people be deported, not much else will come of this story after the boring details of their plain lives have been thoroughly examined and reported. They don't even get the luxury of having the choice to become enemies of America, they were chosen and paid to do it, the most pedestrian of all reasons. Just remember to ask your political candidate at their next rally to prove that they are not really a Russian spy, I'll bet their answers are really creepy and downright hostile...

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Russian Spy

10.He's on the cover of "Secret Russian Spy Digest"
9.During barbecue, he leans into the potato salad and says, "Do you copy, comrade?"
8.His business card has "Russian Spy" crossed off and "Landscaper" scribbled in
7.Your mailmen mysteriously keep dying of polonium poisoning
6.You ask what his son's name is -- he replies, "That's classified"
5.He occasionally has Lenin's embalmed body over for iced tea
4.Same Roto-Rooter van has been parked across the street for last six years
3.Always asking if you have change for 500 rubles
2.Saw him with blueprints for the top secret candy and soda powered rocket
1.You walk in on him giving your wife the old hammer and sickle



I saw this on the news last night, and it has proven to be the funniest moment during a tame and boring confirmation hearing. I would probably try to watch it if it were not for that sqirmy Jeff Sessions. Ms Kagan should be confirmed because she is possible less liberal than the Justice she would replace, and the GOP counts that as a plus. From TPM: "Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) asked Kagan where she was on Christmas Day last year. The question was actually a lead-in to talk of the foiled airline bombing attempt in 2009 and legal rights during war time, but Kagan took the opportunity to school Graham on some American Jewish tradition. From the transcript:


GRAHAM: Now, as we move forward and deal with law of war issues, Christmas Day bomber, where were you at on Christmas Day?
KAGAN: Senator Graham, that is an undecided legal issue, which -- the -- well, I suppose I should ask exactly what you mean by that. I'm assuming that the question you mean is whether a person who is apprehended in the United States is...


GRAHAM: No, I just asked you where you were at on Christmas.


KAGAN: You know, like all Jews, I was probably at a Chinese restaurant."