Beam Us Up Kimmy, Michelle Grants Demonic Powers to Obama

Maureen Dowd
Eugene Robinson
Dana Milbank

"If respect is what oil executives seek, they'll have to do better than phantom walruses and dead professors." - Dana Milbank

"There's some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

It seems that nobody really liked President Obama's speech last night, that it was a piece of fluff lacking content or bite. Eugene Robinson does a good job dissecting the speech, and Dana Milbank relates the session in Congress where the five heads of the oil companies testified, looking like completely clueless idiots. If it wasn't an act that all CEO's put on when performing before Congress, we are innocent deer in the headlights with even less information than you schtick, then our world is run by incredibly stupid individuals... Watching their testimony on television last night, the cynical part of my sense of humor was renewed. BP's written plan on what to do if a disaster occurred, required by the government, was exactly the same as all of the other companies. Each company just put their own cover on the report, and it was approved by the idiots running the MMM. The most glaring facts that showed that the report was cut and pasted from reports for other areas and not even changed to reflect the Gulf region, is the mention of the possible danger to walruses if a spill should occur. It was pointed out by the committee chairman that walruses haven't been in the Gulf of Mexico for over 3 million years... Also, all reports included the name and phone number of a technical expert, Peter Lutz, who had died five years ago: "Markey asked Exxon Mobil's Tillerson why in 2009 he filed "a response plan having a person who has been dead for four years."


"The fact that Dr. Lutz died in 2005 does not mean his work and the importance of his work died with him," Tillerson answered." Stuff like this could have been written by the scriptwriters of 30 Rock, and I guess there's room for the argument that the world of big business is devoid of humor or irony...

What is it about Iran's plucky little Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his thirst to be in the spotlight? I'm beginning to wonder if the Grand ayatollah is content giving him enough rope that he'll eventually hang himself, or if their government thinks that he is boldly giving the Great Satan the tail tweaking it deserves. Every day since the UN declared sanctions against his best buddies in the government, he has been in the Arabian press, shouting defiant to whomever will record him for broadcast. The latest is his declaration to punish the US and that Iran will now sit down and negotiate nuclear matters, , to be announced later: "You showed bad temper, reneged on your promise and again resorted to devilish manners," he said of the powers that imposed sanctions. "We set conditions [for talks] so that, God willing, you'll be punished a bit and sit at the negotiating table like a polite child," he told a crowd during a visit to the central Iranian town of Shahr-e-Kord. His speech was broadcast live on state TV.


Ahmadinejad also attacked the U.S., saying Iran needs to save Americans from their "undemocratic and bullying government." He charged there was no freedom in the U.S. and newspapers in America were not authorized to write against Israel or hold rallies against the "crimes" committed by their government."
Of course, this cracked up many Muslims watching it, at the thought of the US sitting like a school-child, to be seen and not heard. Of course, Mahmoud may have been indulging in some kinky personal imagery, thinking of Hillary in the child's role. You never know about those repressed leaders from religious splinter groups... And, of course, he is totally wrong about the lack of freedom in the US papers. Criticism is launched against our government hourly, and everyone from the big newspapers down to the lowly blog writer such as myself, has been critical of the right wing wackos who make bad policy in the Israeli government. But, somehow, I get the impression that if we locked Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Benjamin Netanyahu in a room together for several hours, and stripped away their nationalism for their respective countries, they'd end up good drinking buddies because of their aggressive and flamboyant personalities and their right wing rhetoric. Maybe their behavior is really being psychically controlled by that master soccer coach, Kim Jong-Il, who just has to face towards their countries and beam them instructions just like he does for his soccer team in South Africa... "beam us up, Kimmy..."



flotilla madness...

Next to make the fictional best-seller list this Summer, will be the competing investigations into the commando raids on the humanitarian flotilla. Israel, of course, is initiating one, the UN is starting another, and now Turkey has announced that it will produce one because it doesn't trust the others. It will be interesting to see the sequence of events and their interpretations through these very different mindsets... I'm expecting to see a reality TV show come out of this, since it has captured so much of the public's attention, Turkish flags are everywhere. It may be called Flotilla Madness, aired on Tuesday evenings at 8 pm... Israel has put the organizers of the flotilla on its terrorist watchlist, the Turkish organizers are threatening to send more ships, Iran is also sending a ship or two, and the people in Gaza still have not received any of the humanitarian aid. OK, the UN has begun to load up the stuff into trucks this morning, and they might be let through the checkpoints unless there are more hostilities or name-calling in the next two days... The Israeli cabinet met today to discuss letting building materials into Gaza, but came to no conclusions. At least you will be glad to know that chocolate and the spice cinnamon has been taken off of the list, God be praised...

no, thank you, michelle...

No offense to all of the women now involved in politics, but these days you can randomly throw a dart and land on some weird crackpot story, like Nevada's Sharron Angle. Which got me to wondering what one of the original crackpots has been up to lately... Michelle Bachmann never disappoints. She and her husband have a hobby, as reported by the Michigan Independent: "Bachmann and Associates, Inc., a counseling center that receives state funds and is owned by Rep. Michele Bachmann and her husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, uses counseling methods steeped in fundamentalist Christianity." The clinic has received state funds for treating low income families for mental health problems, drug dependency, and family counseling. It's possible that this is against the law, receiving state funds for religious preaching: “It’s wrong for the government to buy clinical services that include submission to God or proselytization,” said Luchenitser. “This appears to be a textbook case of taxpayers funds for religious purposes.” The clinic also only hires Christians, which may be a discriminatory violation in hiring practices. Hey, maybe when Michelle gets re-elected, she can use her influence to get her husband transferred to a prison closer to where she can visit...

Politically, Michelle hopes to organize a group to work for her, comprised of home-schooled conservative Christian teenagers in her re-election campaign, whom she has used before, and calls Generation Joshua...

On the recent statement that BP had agreed to set up an escrow account for future payments from the Gulf oil spill, Michelle said: "The president just called for creating a fund that would be administered by outsiders, which would be more of a redistribution-of-wealth fund. And now it appears like we’ll be looking at one more gateway for more government control, more money to government. If there is a disaster, why is it that government is the one who always seems to benefit after a disaster, and that’s of course what cap-and-trade would be."

But my favorite quote of hers came when she tried to expand on the subject and gives demonic powers to Barack Obama, revealing the comic-book kind of Christianity she practices: "They shouldn’t have to be fleeced and make chumps to have to pay for perpetual unemployment and all the rest — they’ve got to be legitimate claims.


The other thing we have to remember is that Obama loves to make evil whatever company it is that he wants to get more power from. He makes them evil, and what we’ve got to ask ourselves is: Do we really want to be paying $9 for a gallon of gas? Because that could be the final result of this." 

Top Ten Reasons Americans Don't Like Soccer

10.Too many foreigners

9.Loud horns make it hard to nap through boring parts

8.Bench clearing brawls not as much fun without bats or sticks

7.No theme song asking if we are ready for some soccer

6.Not enough 'roids

5.Lots of players with umlauts in their names

4.Americans too busy reading

3.Doesn't have the heart-pounding action of a 5-hour baseball game

2.No TV timeouts means fewer snack breaks to stuff our fat faces

1.Too much kicking, not enough rasslin'