"It's the Southerners. They get on TV and go 'errrr, errrrr." - Sen George Voinovich
"Southern Republicans, it seems, have seceded from sanity." - Kathleen Parker
"Barack Obama is a Big-Eared Idiot' " - Rush Limbaugh
They are not happy with Hawaii's Certificate of Birth, which has been posted online at various sites since the campaigns. They want a Birth Certificate. Dr Orly Taitz, a woman of Russian origin and who has the weirdest eyes I have ever seen, has filed a lawsuit requiring Obama to produce a Birth Certificate, which may end up with Hawaii changing the wording of their certificates. She has also produced a Kenyan birth certificate for Obama, except it has proven to have been faked from a real Australian birth certificate, a victim of bad Photoshopping...
"LING: Thirty hours ago Euna Lee and I were prisoners in North Korea. We feared that at any moment we could be sent to a hard labor camp and then suddenly we were told that we were going to a meeting. We were taken to a location and when we walked through the doors we saw standing before us President Bill Clinton. We were shocked but we knew instantly in our hearts that the nightmare of our lives was finally coming to an end. And now, we stand here, home and free. Euna and I would just like to express our deepest gratitude to President Clinton and his wonderful, amazing, not to mention, super-cool team."
late night jokes:
"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It's President Obama's 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on vacation. And today -- I don't know if you saw this -- he was photographed on horseback without his shirt. The photograph won't appear in the newspaper, but it will appear on the cover of Danielle Steele's new novel 'Iron Fist, Velvet Heart.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The United States Postal Service says they might lose $7 billion this year. Apparently, the post office will lose the seven billion when it mails the money to itself." --Conan O'Brien
"I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. Right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, congratulations to former President Bill Clinton. He traveled to North Korea today, met with Kim Jong-Il and won the release of those two female journalists. It was great for Obama to use Clinton that way. I think I know how he got him to go over there. You know, he's probably like, 'Bill, I need you to go to North Korea for me.' 'I can't do it. I'm completely booked. I have numerous obligations.' 'I want you to visit a woman's prison.' 'What time's my flight?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"It's a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." --Craig Ferguson