Fluff on Tiger, US Plants Fake News on Underwear Bomber, Colorado Governor's Race Wide Open

Dana Milbank
Hooman Majd
Orville Schell

"There's nothing more pathetic, in my view, than a politician who announces they're only leaving public life to spend more time with their family," - Sen Christopher Dodd

"We Americans too seem to have passed a tipping point. Like the glaciers of the high Himalaya, long-familiar aspects of our nation are beginning to seem as if they are, in a sense, melting away." - Orville Schell

tiger, tiger burning bright...
Here is a special link to the Daily Beast. Instead of asking an unrepentant Brit Hume about Tiger's spiritual crisis, they interviewed 10 psychics and asked, Where Is Tiger Woods? The answers don't seem very psychic to me and no better than anybody else's opinion. And like all fluff pieces, the comments are often funnier than the story:

This is idiocy. There is no such thing as a "psychic". Do you guys still have a holiday hangover? Here, I'll do better. I feel Tiger is at sea...unless he's on land. He may be with his friends and family. Or not. He will make a golf comeback unless he does not.


Next week I'm counting on you to interview Paris Hilton for some in-depth foreign policy analysis.  - sezme

LEAVE TIGER ALONE.


I did, however get an email today saying he may be working with a pharmaceutical maker on a new drug called Tiagra. Not sure if it is true. - flyoverland

Aren't all the women involved in this scandal someone's daughters? And these women are a pretty gamey lot, I'd say. - ElzeeM

all the federales say, we could have had him any day... 

After the official meeting with his security officials and public spanking over the intelligence "misses" over the Undie Bomber, the US Immigration makes a statement this morning that they almost, could have had him, but only if they had intercepted him in flight: "U.S. border-security officials learned of intelligence about the alleged extremist links of the Christmas Day airline bomber as he was in the air en route to Detroit and had decided to question him when he landed, officials said in new disclosures Wednesday... If the intelligence had been discovered sooner, it could have resulted in the interrogation and search of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab before he boarded the Detroit-bound flight, according to senior law enforcement officials." This, of course, is just butt-saving bull, made up to try and put a less damaging spin on the US security system. Also, it appears that he didn't buy a one-way ticked to Detroit, as that would surely have raised an immediate flag.

Other articles also make crap up, such as the one that conjectures what young Umar might have done during his time spent in Yemen, a pice of fiction that poses as a front page headline. Oh, he probably met with a radical cleric or two. The only real news is that he has been formally indicted in federal court on six counts, including: "... attempted murder on a plane, attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction. 
The indictment disclosed that the bomb allegedly concealed in his underwear contained not only the explosive known as PETN, which had been known, but also triacetone triperoxide, or TATP. But it otherwise offered few new details about the attempted attack on Northwest Flight 253, which was carrying 289 other people." 

Another bogus study said that its usually young men who are attracted to the extreme forms of Islam and become our home-grown recruits. Of course they are. Young people at the end of puberty are wonderfully passionate and naive about the world. We depend on them for joining our own armed forces and believing all of the patriotic ideals we spoon feed them, and young students are leading the Green Movement in Iran. When young males feel lonely and not part of the pack, they drift off into different forms of nihilism and negativity, searching for like-minded groups and philosophies to join. That's why the Goth movement was so popular for awhile and why vampires are at the top of the cultural charts right now.

Which is why I have a solution! We begin by distributing teddy bears and other plush toys by the millions to children throughout the world. They feel more secure at night with their plush animals and become emotionally attached to them. Then, when they grow older, we form international plushie and furrie groups, where people dress up and have conventions as their favorite plush animals. They have been very popular in the Midwest for over 20 years. Joining a plushie group is a bit weird and kinky, I know (the urban dictionary defines a plushophile as: A title used to describe someone who is aroused, ... not always, "sexually," attracted to plushies), but they are much more harmless than, say, a ragtag extremist group in Yemen with a website. Think of it as a gentle form of social engineering. I mean, if we are going to be the world's parent, might as well create a safer environment for our children along with addicting them to television, movies, and the Internet...

All forms of crime has drastically been lowered in the city of Los Angeles this past year. Its the lowest reported crime rate in the last 50 years. Los Angeles also has one of the highest number of medical marijuana dispensaries, second only to Denver. Coincidence? I don't think so. Look for the Denver crime statistics next year and see if it hasn't gone down, too. If marijuana were legalized, then the enormous profit margins would be eliminated from the drug cartels, as the prices would become competitively lowered, especially if it were monitored by the FDA or some other agency that would allow you to just make your $20 dollar co-pay for the weekly or monthly supply...

The big story out of Colorado is that our Democratic governor has decided to not re-run for election this year, which leaves the race wide open. Republicans have been backing Scott McInnis and saying that he was ahead in the polls, but Ritter would have won in the end. Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar was the next obvious choice, but he decided not to run, either. Which is a good thing, because he is doing a great job on the federal level. The Republicans also are trying to say that Salazarr would be behind in the polls against McInnis, but that is wishful thinking. As I have said before, the only viable candidate that the Republicans would be able to find to successfully run for governor would be the Blue Dog Democrat, John Salazar, but he would have to change parties. But it would have been cool, to see brothers debate each other and smear each other for political gain...

Of course Jane Norton is kicking herself in the butt right now. She entered the senate race because she didn't think she could beat Governor Ritter. She now would have a much better chance to win as Governor than Scott McInnis, as she is more likable than substance, just how we want our governors... What ever happens, and whomever switches races, the race for the governor's seat has gotten much more interesting. Maybe we can even get a few policy debates instead of kissing up to the tea parties. Heck. let's have Sarah Palin and the other fake tea party candidates come into our state and pick someone to support, it might bring some revenue along with the notoriety. Maybe we could have a photo-op of Sarah and Todd visiting a local medical marijuana dispensary, good for the country, good for me and you...